Child Abuse: Did An Abusive Parent Consciously Choose To Harm Their Child?

What someone can believe, if they were mistreated during their early years, is that their parent or parents did this on purpose. They then did what they could to undermine their child as opposed to doing what they could to build them up.

Assuming that it was one parent who did this; they could believe that this parent was essentially evil. But, if they believe that this parent went out of their way to harm them, this is to be expected.

The outcome

Due to what they experienced as a child, they could be in a very bad way and find it hard to handle life. Along with this, a big part of them might not want to experience life in this way for much longer and could be happy to call it a day.

If they are in a bad way, it can show that they find it hard to feel good about themselves, often experience fear and anxiety, and often feel down. Moreover, they might not have any close friends and they might work somewhere that is soul-destroying.

On The Path

It is then going to be imperative for them to reach out for external support so that they can gradually change their life. The reason for this is that they won’t be able to change their life by themselves and it will take time for them to move forward.

However, thanks to what took place during their formative years, they might not feel comfortable reaching out and could find it hard to trust others. If so, they will need to keep in mind that they are an interdependent human being who needs others and there are people out there who they can trust.

Another Angle

Now, while it may seem as though their parent went out of their way to undermine them, what if it is not this black and white? What if this parent was not in a good way mentally and emotionally and this is why they did what they did?

On one level, then, they seemed as though they were aware of what they were doing but, at a deeper level, they were not in a good way. Instead of consciously choosing to undermine them, they would have been controlled by what was taking place for them at a deeper level.

Possessed

In other words, they were a human being, not a robot, but, their ability to act like a conscious human being was taken away from them. What was taking place outside of their conscious awareness would have influenced how they perceived reality, how they behaved, how they felt and the thoughts that they had.

If it wasn’t for what was taking place for them at this level and even the state of their brain, as they may have had brain damage, they would have been able to act like a conscious human being. Most likely, they were not in a good way because of what happened to them during their formative years and the impact that it had.

Trapped In The Past

Being mistreated would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To allow them to keep it together and function, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in.

These experiences would have also had an impact on their brain and nervous system. Another part of this is that by losing touch with how they felt, they would have lost touch with their body, and, thus, their true self.

Hidden

Yet, as this pain and their unmet needs hadn’t disappeared, this material would have continued to have an impact on them. What was going on for them would have stopped them from being able to see their child clearly and to blame them for what their parent or parents had done to them.

They were then engaging in indirect revenge and as destructive as their behaviour was, they are likely to have justified their behaviour. Treating their child in this way would have allowed them to release tension - tension that was being created by the pain that they were in and their unmet adult and developmental needs.

Impersonal
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This is not to say that as their parent was likely to have been mistreated during their formative years, this makes it acceptable. No, what it does illustrate is that they didn’t harm them because there was something inherently wrong with them.

When they were being harmed as a child, though, they would have personalised what was taking place as they were egocentric. At this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to accept that they were not responsible for how they were being treated and that they were not worthless and unlovable, and how they were treated then will define how they see themselves now.

Seeing Clearly

So, as they start to accept that their parent was not in a good way and how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth and lovability, they can start to see themselves more clearly. If, on the other hand, they believe that this parent consciously chose to harm them as they were worthless and unlovable, they won’t be able to truly move on from what happened.
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Therefore, in the same way that a parent passes on their genes to their child, they also pass on the issues that they haven’t resolved. In both cases, it is not something that is consciously thought about and planned.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk