Even if someone was brought up by at least one parent who was unable to truly see them and is still unable to do so, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to accept this. Due to this, now that they are an adult, they could spend a lot of their time and energy trying to be seen by this parent.
In fact, they might not even be aware that they are trying to be seen by this parent. How they behave is then just going to be what is normal and there will be no reason for them to change their behaviour.
A Strong Need
When it comes to what they are doing to try to be seen, they could spend a lot of time doing things for this parent. This could mean that they are often buying things for them and taking them to different places.
Then again, they could be in a position where they are aware that they were mistreated throughout their early years and often try to make this parent acknowledge what they themselves went through. For as long as this has been going on, they might have tried many different approaches to try to get through to them.
A Brick Wall
Now, assuming that the latter has been going for a little while, they won’t have been able to make headway. In general, their parent may have dismissed, denied and even accused them of making things up.
It might be as if this parent has the ability to see but for some reason, they are unable to truly see what they have been through or to remember how they themselves behaved. Thanks to this, they are likely to have often felt angry, frustrated and helpless after they have tried to get through to them.
If they are able to step back and reflect on this area of their life, what is likely to soon stand out is that this parent is not willing to face reality. They might see that they have been trying to get through to them for many, many years.
Yet, no matter what they have said to them, the outcome will have been the same. Still, while it will be clear that they are unable to get through to them, they could notice that a big part of them doesn’t want to accept this.
Additionally, what could also stand out is that this parent simply doesn’t have the ability to see them. Thus, they will be looking toward someone to see them who is unable to do so.
This parent will then look human and might be able to function but they will be missing something. This is why it won’t matter what they say or what they are going through, as this parent won’t be able to attune to them and show compassion for what they have gone through and are going through.
A New Understanding
For most of their adult life and all of their early years, this is not something that they would have been aware of. This is then why they have been struggling for something from someone who simply doesn’t have it to offer.
To use an analogy; they have been trying to attain blood from a stone. They could then spend millions of years behaving in the same way and the outcome would never change.
As a child, what they needed was for this parent to see that they were a separate human being and to attune to their needs and feelings. But as this parent lacked the ability to do this, most likely due to them having missed out on the attunement that they needed, they missed out on the love that would have allowed them to grow and develop in the right way.
Consequently, they would have been forced to lose touch with themselves and play a role. This would have been a role that benefited this parent and allowed some of their needs to be met.
The trouble is that as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, what took place would have been personalised. It was then not that this parent simply couldn’t see them due to their own issues; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them.
Their need to be seen would have ended up being repressed and, from behind the scenes, it would have continued to influence their behaviour. The years will then have passed but as they were not seen all those years ago, they will continue to try to be seen.
What might enter their mind is that as they were not seen by this parent then, it is a complete waste of time for them to try to be seen by them now. For them to let go of this need, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through.
It would have been too painful for them to accept what was going on as a child and this is why they had to repress their need to be seen and the pain that went with not being seen. Now that they are an adult, they are strong enough to face this pain.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.