What someone could find, if they were to speak to the parent who mistreated them during their formative years – assuming it was only one - is that they are unable to make much headway. Based on how this parent responds, it could be as if they are talking to someone who wasn’t actually there throughout this stage of their life.
They are then likely to have expected one thing, only to experience something that was radically different. Now, this is something that could take place again and again for many, many years.
The Same Story
Therefore, regardless of what they say or do, they won’t be able to make any progress. So, after spending hours and hours going over what happened and perhaps writing a number of long lists that covered what took place, they won’t have had an impact.
Still, although it will be clear to a part of them that this parent is not going to face reality, another part of them might not be able to accept this. This part of them might want to keep struggling for their validation.
Taking this into account, there will be what is going on for their parent and what is going on for them. Of course, they can’t change their parent but they can change themselves.
And, it is for this reason that the only way that they will be able to move forward is by them focusing on their own healing. By doing this, their need to be seen and heard by someone who is unable to do so will gradually subside.
One Step Back
However, as what is going on won’t make any sense, they can desperately want to know why their parent is this way. A big part of them may believe that they are simply unworthy of being seen and heard and having their early experiences validated.
If this is the case, it is likely to be a consequence of them having been egocentric at this stage of their life and personalising what took place. In reality, how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for their parent, not a reflection of their worth or lovability.
A Deeper Look
When it comes to why this parent is unable to face reality, there is a strong chance that they are not in a good way mentally and emotionally. To go even further, they might not even have a strong connection with a number of their needs and feelings.
In other words, they can be out of touch with their true self and have a disconnected false self. If this is so, they will live on the surface of themselves and won’t be connected to a large part of who they are.
What’s going on?
From the outside, then, they will look whole and complete, but, on the inside, they will be a deeply fractured being. How they see themselves and life won’t just be random; no; it will be a way for them to keep it together and function.
If they were to face up to what they were like and how they treated their child and others, the painful inner material that is outside of their conscious awareness would start to break through. This would allow them to be honest but it would also undermine their false self and, naturally, this would make it harder for them to keep it together and function.
Thus, it is not that they are consciously choosing to deny what took place; this is something that is automatically taking place. Their brain, in order to protect them, will do what it can to keep their painful memories, feelings and thoughts out of their conscious awareness.
When they say that they didn’t mistreat them, they won’t be consciously aware of the fact that this is not the truth. This illustrates how their brain is designed to deceive them as a way to protect them; it is not designed to make sure that they face their inner and outer reality.
From this, they will be able to see that their parent is consciously and unconsciously doing what they can to make sure that they don’t fall apart. If they were not loaded with pain and had firm foundations, they would be able to engage in self-reflection and develop self-awareness.
Most likely, the only way that this will happen is if they were to start to work through their inner wounds. But, due to how strong their defences are and the fact that they are unlikely to have the energy or a strong desire to change, the chances of this happening are extremely low.
This is why it is important that they face and work through their emotional wounds as this is a key part of what will allow them to move on from what happened. If they were to only focus on changing what is going on for them at a mental level, they are unlikely to get very far.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.