Child Abuse: Is It A Good Idea For Someone To Find Out About Their Parents Childhood If They Abused As A Child?
Thanks to the ability that someone’s brain has to block out pain and then for their conscious mind to forget about the past, it can take a while for them to realise that they were abused. As a result of this, their life can be one big challenge but they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak.
When it comes to what they struggle with, they can often feel low and be deeply depressed, they can have trouble saying no and other people can walk over them, they can find it hard to relax and often be on the go, and they might have moments when they think about ending their life. So, regardless of whether they have some or all of these challenges as well as others, it is clear to see why their life will be exceptionally difficult.
Just how it is
How they experience life can be what is normal, which means that they might not believe that they can do anything about it. This will then be something that they merely have to put up with.
If they do end up reaching out, though, this could be a time when what is truly going on for them won’t be looked into. Instead, the focus can be on what is taking place in their mind and the symptoms.
Their ‘negative’ thoughts can then be seen as the problem and dealing with these will be the way for them to change their life. In reality, what is going on at this level is likely to be a reflection of what is going on at a deeper level; the level of their unconscious mind/body.
But, by living in a society that is very mind centred and tends to live on the surface, what is going on at this level probably won’t be mentioned, let alone dismissed. Consequently, they are likely to use ‘positive’ thoughts and beliefs to push down the input that is trying to enter their conscious awareness from a deeper level.
A Short-Term Solution
Even if this mind based approach does work, it might not work for very long. The reason for this is that sooner or later, what they have pushed down will end up coming back with a vengeance and they might no longer be able to repress or suppress it.
At this point, previously repressed feelings, thoughts and memories can enter their conscious awareness. Therefore, they will start to remember what took place during their early years and what is going on for them as an adult will start to make sense.
This stage would have deeply traumatised them, causing them to experience a lot of pain and to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. Due to being powerless and totally dependent, so they were unable to do anything about what was going on, defend themselves or to find another family.
And, as this would have been a time when they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that there was something wrong with their parents’; no, it was that there was something wrong with them.
A Double Blow
If at this point they had developed a felt sense of worth, what took place wouldn’t have had the same impact. But, as this was not in place, what took place would have been internalised and seen as the truth.
Now that they are an adult, they are likely to find it hard to accept that they have value and didn’t deserve to be mistreated as a child. Their mind can simply dismiss this and it can be as though they are trying to accept something that has no basis in reality.
What will be clear, soon enough, is that this approach is not going to cut it and even if they try to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and view of themselves by purely changing what is going on in their mind, this is only likely to cover up how they truly feel about themselves. With both of these things in mind, they will need to go beyond their mind and into what is keeping what is taking place at this level in place.
In other words, they will need to start connecting to their emotional wounds and to feel the pain that they were unable to feel as a child. This will be pain that ended up being automatically repressed by their brain to stop them from being overwhelmed and allow them to keep it together and function – survive.
Along with this, what will also play a part in allowing them to accept what took place wasn’t personal will be for them to take a closer look into their parent/s history. To look into what they were like before they were parents and what their early years were like.
What this will do is allow them to see beyond the role that they played and to see them more clearly. This is important because, as a child, they would have seen them as all-knowing and all-seeing gods; not as flawed human beings.
Where It Began
If they were to do some digging and to explore their parents early years, they may find that the past has repeated itself. At least one of their parents may have been mistreated by one or both of their parents.
What this will demonstrate is that this parent was deeply wounded by one or both of the people who were supposed to build them up. This parent wouldn’t have healed their own wounds, for whatever reason, and ended up passing on what was done to them.
The most important thing is that they don’t give up themselves and do what they need to do to gradually let go of what happened. To do this, they may need to reach out for external support.
This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.