If someone comes to see that their early years were a time when they were not treated very well, there are a number of things that can take place. Firstly, they can start to think about what they can do to heal the damage that was caused, and, secondly, they can have the need to talk about what took place with their parents.
There is also the chance that they haven’t even thought about what they can do to heal themselves. In this case, their need to talk to their parents about what happened could consume them.
The Next Step
What one could then do is to approach their parents out of the blue and ask them about why they treated them in a certain way, for instance. Conversely, they may wait for right moment to open up to them.
When they start to talk about what happened, their parents facial expressions may show that they are sorry for how they behaved. Therefore, without them even needing to say anything, one will know that they are going to be able to make progress.
The Right Direction
Once they have stopped talking, one of their parents may make it clear that they are deeply sorry about what they put them through. This can then provide one will the validation that they need to gradually heal themselves.
Their parents may even agree to go to therapy with them; that is, of course, if one needs this to take place. What something like this would do is allow one to work through things in an environment that is conducive to growth and healing.
No Short Cuts
Now, just because their parents have acknowledged what took place and validated what one went through as a child, it doesn’t mean that their life will change overnight. However, it will most likely allow them to move forward a lot faster than if their parents were unable to face up to what took place.
Their parents won’t have been able to truly be there for them all those years ago, but now they will have the chance to do the right thing. A long journey is in front of all of them, but the foundations will have been laid.
While the scenario above, or one that is very similar, could be seen as the ideal, it is not something that always takes place. Instead, one can talk to their parents about what took place and they could basically be told that what they are saying has no basis in reality.
Upon hearing this, a number of things could take place. This can be a time when one ends experiencing a lot of anger and even rage, and a lot of the trauma that is within them may end up being triggered, causing them to be experience a lot of fear and to feel emotionally unstable.
An Unexpected Outcome
If they were to end the interaction after this has taken place, they may start to wonder how their parents could behave in this manner. What they may believe, that’s if they haven’t already mentioned it, is that their parents will respond differently if they talk about the effect that their abuse has had and is still having on them to this day.
One could then approach their parents again and talk about what is going on for them, only to receive the same response. It then wouldn’t even matter if one ended up getting a brain scan that proved that they had experienced a lot of trauma, as their parent’s won’t be able to accept what they are saying.
A Strange Scenario
Just as their parent’s people wouldn’t have been able to respond to them in the right way as a child, they still won’t be able to respond to them in the right way now that they are an adult. It may seem as though their parents lack basic humanity, and simply don’t have the capacity to display empathy and compassion when it comes to what they have been through and are going through.
In order for one to make sense of what is going on, it will be essential for them to change how they view their parents. What this means is that just because they came through them - providing them with a vehicle (body) that would allow them to experience life on earth - it doesn’t mean that their parents are perfect human beings.
Imperfect Human Beings
Their parents could be people who are deeply troubled human beings; perhaps they are developmentally stunted, and they may even have some kind of personality disorder. There is the chance that what they put one through as a child was very similar to what they went through at the hands of their own parents.
As a result of what they went through during their formative years, it may have made it hard for them to be able to face reality as an adult. To handle what they went through and to keep their trauma at bay, they may rely on a number of difference defence mechanisms to be able to handle life and not to fall apart.
The Big One
If they were to admit to what they put one through as a child, it could end up reminding them of what they went through as a child. Facing the pain of their early abuse and the pain of abusing their own child would then be too much for them to handle.
So, as way for them to keep this pain locked in their body and out of their conscious awareness, they will use denial to protect themselves. But, due to how long they have relied on this defence mechanism, it will most likely have become part of their character.
It is then not that they are aware of what took place and are consciously denying it; it is that they are no longer aware of it and there is then nothing for them to deny. Ultimately, they will have forgotten that they have forgotten.
This is why one can have all the evidence under the sun that proves that they are telling the truth, but it won’t make any difference. Their parents, out of their need to avoid their own pain, will need to stay out of touch with reality and their own body.
If one can relate to this, it will be a god idea for them to do what they can to accept that their parents are unlikely to break out of their delusion. Their main priority will be to keep their pain out of their awareness, not to do what they can to help their adult child to heal.
With the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, one can start to move forward and gradually lose the need to receive their parent’s validation. This takes patience, persistence and a lot of courage.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.