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If someone was abused by at least one of their parents during their formative years, they might have a strong need to talk to them about it. However, it might have taken them a while to realise that this stage of their life wasn’t very nurturing.
This is because their brain will have blocked out what took place very early on in order to protect them and they would have probably developed an idealised view of this parent (this would have been essential to their survival). Another part of this is that they may live in a society that is very parent-centric, causing a parent to often be seen as doing the best they can and not being held accountable for behaving in ways that are destructive. A key Point No doubt, a parent does do the best that they can and at the same time, they are an imperfect human being who makes mistakes. Being able to face up to this and apologise and make things right is essential. But, as a parent is often put on a pedestal and seen as being above reproach, this is not something that always takes place. Thanks to this, when they first started to remember some of the things that took place, they might have dismissed what entered their mind and fallen back on the view that their parent did the best they could. The Next Step When it comes to them speaking to this parent about what happened, they could call them up or pay them a visit. Before this takes place, though, they might mention what they want to talk about. Anyway, this could be a time when they are filled with hope and are looking forward to making progress. Now, irrespective of if they are talking to them over a phone or screen or in person, they might not get very far. An Analogy Their parent could deny what they say and make out they gave them just about everything that they needed. This parent is then not going to be able to truly hear what they have to say and accept what they went through. It can be as though they are driving down a road, expecting to join another road, only to find out that it is a dead end. They won’t be able to go any further and will need to go back to where they were. One Experience After a short while, they could decide that they are wasting their time and bring their time together to an end. Once this has happened, they could be filled with anger and rage and then be filled with guilt and shame. They might even start to doubt what they went through and this could show that their reality was largely overlooked very early on. In other words, their needs and feelings would have typically been ignored, dismissed and criticised. Stage Two Although they won’t have been able to get very far, this doesn’t mean that they will be ready to throw in the towel, so to speak. Instead, they could believe that if they try another approach next time, it will be different. If so, they could talk to this parent again and, along with going over what they went through, they could go into what other family members and friends have said and even a diagnosis that adds weight to what they say. But, just like before, this parent might not be able to hear or accept any of it. A Strange Scenario It will be pretty clear that this parent is not going to validate what they went through. Not being able to accept this is going to cause them to look towards someone to provide them with what they can’t provide them and to suffer in the process. Yet, for them to draw the line and no longer look for their acknowledgment, they will need to face their emotional wounds. If they don’t face their emotional wounds, they will be stuck in a place of false hope and continue to try to unconsciously meet their unmet development needs. What’s going on? With that aside, this parent might not be able to acknowledge what took place due to their need to function and keep it together. They could be estranged from their true self and be carrying a lot of pain, with this being why they lack humanity. If their disconnected false self was to fall away, they could end up being overwhelmed with pain. To prevent this from happening, they will have numerous defences in place; defences that will prevent them from being able to act like a whole human being who can empathise and be compassionate. It’s Not Personal They are then not going to be choosing to behave in this way; it will be something that will automatically take place. Ultimately, they are going to be someone who is alienated from their true essence and be in a fractured state. Most likely, their childhood was also full of deprivation and this was when they automatically disconnected from themselves and their unfeeling false self was formed. With this in mind, it won’t matter what they say to this parent as how their parent sees things is a way for them to keep their pain at bay, as opposed to a point of view that they have consciously thought through. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to face their pain, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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