If someone was to see that they were abused during their early years, it doesn’t mean that what they went through will be validated by the parent who mistreated them. No, what they went through as a child could end up being denied.
To take one step back, though, they may have suffered for a number of decades before they realised that they were mistreated. During this time, what they experienced as a child may have been completely hidden from their conscious awareness.
As a result of this, they would have probably been in a bad way but they wouldn’t have known why their life was the way that it was. In fact, how they experienced life could have just been normal, which may have stopped them from trying to do anything about it.
When it came to how they experienced life, and perhaps still do, they may have often felt depressed, low, fearful and anxious, and very lonely, among other things. Also, their relationships may have been, and perhaps still are, a complete mess, with them often ending up with people who were abusive.
If this was the case, it will have shown that their brain had blocked out what took place in order to protect them. This is something that would have automatically occurred.
Both what took place and the pain that they experienced would have been pushed out of their conscious awareness. For their survival, it was essential for them to create an idealised view of this parent, and perhaps another, and lose touch with their true feelings.
A Living Hell
If they had seen their parent/s for who they truly were, it would have been too painful and, if they had stayed connected to how they felt, this would have also been too painful. And, as their brain and nervous system weren't fully developed, it would have taken much for them to be overwhelmed.
Thus, as they experienced so much pain at this stage of their life and were powerless to do anything about it, their only option was to repress their pain and disconnect from themselves. This would have caused them to lose touch with their emotional truth and lose touch with their true self, but it would have allowed them to handle a brutal period of their life.
A Big Achievement
Taking this into account, as they have become aware of some if not all of what took place when they were a child, they will have taken a big step. They could have gone their whole life without being aware of what they actually experienced all those years ago.
When it comes to how they know that they were harmed, there will be the memories that they have and the pain that goes with them. Along with this, there could a sibling, other family members and friends who back up what they went through.
A Brick Wall
However, after reaching out to the parent who mistreated them and having their early experiences denied, they won’t be able to receive the validation or the remorse that they were hoping for. Consequently, they could end up questioning themselves and see this as a sign that they deserved to be treated badly.
If they do question themselves, this could be a sign that their reality was often invalidated during their early years. As for believing that they deserved to be treated badly, this won’t be a surprise if they were treated like dirt as a child.
What going on?
These two things as well as others are likely to make it hard for them to see their parent objectively. If they were able to do so, they would probably see that their parent is not a well-adjusted human being.
On one side, there will be the damage that they did and on the other, there will be their inability to take responsibility for what they did. If they were able to move past the initial inner hurdles that may arise, they could believe that this parent simply doesn’t want to admit the truth.
They would then have deprived them of what they needed very early on and now they will deprive them of the validation that they need as an adult. Nonetheless, although it may seem as though this parent is consciously choosing to deny what they went through, there could be more to it.
There is the chance that their parent is so shut down and defended against their own internal reality, that they truly believe what they are saying. This will then explain why they are unable to empathise with them, be compassionate and play a part in their healing.
If their defences were to fall away and they were able to actually connect to what is taking place in their body, as opposed to living on the surface of themselves, they would probably come into contact with a lot of deep pain. Not only would they have to face up to how they treated their child but there is a strong chance that they would connect to the pain that they experienced as a child.
Most likely, they were also mistreated as a child and their brain ended up blocking out what took place to protect them. This would have had a big effect on their ability to connect to themselves and then to connect to others.
A Bad Way
If they were to reflect on how this parent treated them as a child, it could be quite clear that they are a deeply wounded human being. They are then not able to be there for them and see how much they have and are suffering not because they are choosing not to but because they are unable to do so.
Their parent will be physically there but as for their emotional self, this part of them could practically be dead. This is why, no matter what evidence they have, this parent won’t be able to accept what happened.
Fortunately, there are other ways for them to receive the validation that they need to be able to move forward. One way that this can take place is by working with a therapist or healer, another is by their adult self being there for their child self.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.