While there are people who appear to always be confident, there are also people who appear to always lack confidence. In this case, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that some people are more resourceful than others.
However, although this is how they come across, it is unlikely that this is how they always experience life. Just because one is known as someone who is confident, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have moments when they don’t feel this way.
And when it comes to the person who is known as someone who is not confident, there is also the chance that they will have moments when they are confident. It could just be that they are so caught up in the moments when they are not, that it is not possible for them to realise this.
Nevertheless, even though someone can come across as confident, it doesn’t mean that they value themselves, and this is because confidence can be something that one experiences through pleasing others. Through behaving n a certain way and/or creating a certain image, one can end up feeling confident.
The feedback that they receive could cause them to gradually internalise what they hear, but this might not happen. As a result of this, it will be important for them to be around people who continue to give them positive feedback.
A Different Experience
What this show is that although someone can appear to always be confident, this might soon change if it wasn’t for the feedback they received from others. At a deeper level, they might not value themselves, and this means that the image they present to others is nothing more than an illusion.
It will then be important for them to hide who they really are, and this is something that will occur through projecting a certain image to others. Through this, it will be possible for them to receive the kind of feedback that will allow them to feel confident.
Alternately, when one accepts themselves as they are, it is not going to be as important for other people to accept them. The image they project will be a reflection of who they are as opposed to who others want them to be.
This doesn’t mean that they will always be confident; what it is likely to mean is that they won’t feel the need to always have it together. They will be coming from a place of authenticity.
They might realise that it is not possible for everyone to accept them, and they might believe that unconditional acceptance is something that they could only experience during their childhood. Therefore, if one accepts themselves as they are, it could be a sign that they their childhood was a time where they were loved for who they were.
However, this might not be the case, and this could mean that one has had to re-parent themselves as an adult. Their adult’s years have then been a time where they have had to heal their inner-child, and to give themselves what their caregivers were unable to give them.
Through being in touch with their true-self and accepting themselves as they are, it will be easier for them to feel good about themselves. As a result of this, it can then be normal for them to feel confident.
Yet, when they do feel confident, they are less likely to come across as arrogant, and this is because they are in their body. Through being in their body, they are going to be in touch with their shame, and this will play a vital role in them being able to stay grounded.
This will allow one to remain in touch with their humanity, and to see that they are neither less-than others nor more-than others. There may be times when they lose touch with their shame, but this is more likely to be the exception as opposed to the rule.
In this case, it will mean that their shame is on their side; but when one carries toxic shame, it can cause them to disconnect from their shame. Or if this doesn’t take place, it can cause one to end up feeling completely worthless.
Therefore, if one doesn’t have any confidence, it can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. One approach can then be for them to disconnect from how they feel, and this can then cause them to come across as shameless.
Through being out of touch with their own humanity, it will be normal for them to come across as arrogant. What this shows is that they have gone from one extreme to another.
Why Is This?
Another way of looking at this would be to say that they have ended up creating a false-self, and even though they come across as though they are full of confidence, this is nothing more than a cover up. If they were to get in touch with their true feelings once more, they are likely to revert to how they were before.
When one goes from having no confidence to being arrogant, it is likely to be a sign that the feedback they receive from others has changed in some way. One may have been elevated to a certain position, changed their appearance and/or achieved some kind of success, for instance, and this has then enabled them to disconnect from their true feelings.
However, even though they would have started to feel better about themselves, they would still have had feelings that caused them to feel bad about themselves. This would have meant that they gradually pushed these feelings out of their awareness and become caught up with the feelings that allowed them to feel good.
While this would have seemed like the best thing to do, it would have set them up to disconnect from not only their toxic shame, but also their healthy shame. Another approach would have been for them to embrace their ‘negative’ feelings and to work through them, and through doing this; it would have allowed them to stay in touch with their true-self.
When it comes to one accepting themselves as they are, it will be important for them to let go of what has built-up within them. This is because one’s inherent worth is not something that can be experienced through attaining things; it is something that will be experienced through letting go.
The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group can provide the support that one needs to work through their toxic shame, and anything else that they need to work on.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.