For some people, it is a case of either controlling others or being controlled; there is no middle ground. Even so, this doesn’t mean that this is something that goes through their mind.
Instead, one can feel compelled to do whatever they can to control other people. As a result of this, they are not going to think about the effect that their behaviour has on others and, even if they do, it might not have much of an effect on them.
Ultimately, one is going to be consumed by their own needs, and this is why they won’t be able to empathise with others. This is then not going to define part of their life; it will define their whole life.
When it comes to the people in their life, it is going to be a challenge for them to express themselves. Someone won’t be able to just relax and to let go; they will need to be on guard.
Through being this way, it will be a lot easier for them to handle this kind of behaviour; whereas if they were to let go and to relax, they would soon be in for a shock. Being this way is going to be far less stressful.
If someone behaves in this manner, it is going to show that they are not willing to fight back or to walk away. So, as bad as it will be for them to be controlled by another person, it won’t be enough for them to cut their ties.
And, if they do fight back and stand up for themselves from time to time, they are still going to be putting up with abusive behaviour. It is then going to be similar to someone who complains about the food they are eating, but they continue to eat it.
The Main Reason
Now, it could be said that the reason someone like this would put up with this kind of behaviour is because they have been worn down. They would then have been in a good place when they met them, yet this changed over time.
It would then be accurate to say that they are a victim and that the person who is controlling them is the perpetrator. This is then something that is black and white, with their life being out of their control.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that the only reason they ended up in this position is due to the fact that this is what feel comfortable at a deeper level. On the outside, it will seem as though they are being victimised, but in reality, they will have allowed this to take place.
This doesn’t mean that one has consciously chosen to end up in this position. What it can show is that they were brought up to tolerate this kind of behaviour, which is why they feel comfortable with controlling behaviour as an adult.
The Modern Day World
It can be hard for the average person to understand this, and this is largely due to how society perceives this kind of dynamic. Someone is like this is going to be seen as a victim and there will be no thought as to why they ended up in this type of relationship.
In addition to this, the western world is primarily concerned about what is going place externally, meaning that the inner world is generally ignored. A natural consequence of this is that very things that shape someone’s life - their beliefs, feelings and thoughts, for instance - end up being overlooked.
A New Paradigm
Until mainstream society changes how it views people who end up in abusive relationships and pays attention to how our inner world affects out outer world, a lot of people will continue to suffer unnecessarily. But as the western world rewards people who see themselves as a victim, this is unlikely to happen any time soon.
Therefore, it is down to an individual to break through their conditioning and to find this out for themselves. They can’t rely on society to do this for them; if anything, the society they live in doesn’t care about their own liberation.
When it comes to the person who is controlling, there is a strong chance that they have been this way for most of their life. So, not only will it be a challenge for the people in their life to relax and to let go, it will also be the same for them.
Their need to control just about everything in their environment will stop them from being able to embrace the present moment and to just be. Their body is likely to be stiff and tense, with this part of them being a reflection of how uptight they are up top.
Their need to control what other people can and can’t do is likely to be a means to an end; nothing more, nothing less. If they don’t do this, they are likely to feel anxious and fearful, and under this they could feel powerless and helpless.
Controlling others is then a way for them to stop themselves from feeling as though they have absolutely no control. How they feel at a deeper level is likely to be how they felt throughout their early years.
During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected by their caregiver/s. This would have been a time when they experienced trauma, and they wouldn’t have been able to do anything it.
In order for them to stop themselves from feeling this way, they would have disconnected from their feelings and created a false-self. At this age, this might have been the only option that was available.
The Early Wound
This is not always what takes place, though; as someone can also identify with how they felt at this age, thereby, causing them to develop a victim mentality. Someone like this is then going to end up with another person who was also abused, but who has disconnected from the pain that is within them.
The trauma that each of them experienced as children is then what has brought them together as adults. It might be hard for them to remember what took place when they were younger, yet it will still be having a big effect on their life.
If one is controlling or is used to being around people who are, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.