I was thinking the other day about how common it is for people to end up in a relationship with someone who is not available. This is something that usually causes them to experience a lot of pain.
To go through this once is more than enough, but there are people who have experienced this on more than one occasion. As a result of this, it can be normal for someone to believe that they are really unlucky.
This could cause them to feel as though they have no control over this area of their life, setting them up to feel like a victim. When this takes place, it will be as though they are just an observer of their reality,
They will just happen to end up with people who are unable to fully show up and to emotionally connect with them. However, although it may seem as though this is something that is out of their control, this is not the case.
The reason why they have the tendency to end up with people who are unable to fully embrace them is because this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Upon hearing this, their conscious mind could see this as being a load of rubbish.
And, as experiencing life in this in this way is causing them to suffer, it is to be expected that they would have this reaction. On one level, it is not something that is benefitting them, but on another level, it is benefitting them.
In the same way that weeds can end up covering something up in a garden, different defences will have covered up the reason why they experience life in this way. One way for them to find out what is really going on would be to find someone who is available and then to see what comes up.
Yet, as this is not what feels safe at a deeper level, this is not going to be an option. If this was to happen, what they may find is that being with someone who is fully present causes them to experience a lot of shame.
This wouldn’t have happened before because they have always been with people who were too caught up with their own issues to really see them. While this would have been frustrating, it would have allowed them to hide their true-self.
The fact that they experience shame when they are seen doesn’t mean that there is anything inherently wrong with them, though, what it shows is that they are carrying trauma. At one point in their life - and this is likely to be during their childhood - they may have been made to feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them.
Being with people who are not present - and therefore can’t see them - is then a way to stop their true-self from being seen. If it was, not only would it cause them to feel extremely bad, it would be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned.
Along with carrying a lot of shame just above their stomach, there will be what is going on in their chest area. Through having experienced abuse and/or neglect as a child (or something that wounded them), they will probably carry a lot of grief in their chest area.
When someone ends up with people who are unavailable, they can end up looking outside for answers, and looking outside for answers is something that most people are trained to do from birth. But, as I have shown above, the answers won’t be found in the external world.
Going within and looking for these answers won’t be easy in the short-term, but it will be worth it in the long-term. This can take place with the presence of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.