When I was reading the book, ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’, there was a chapter that went into how important it was to have many different areas of interest in life, and not to put all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. The author, Susan Jeffers, pointed out that a lot of people make their partner the centre of their life.
Hearing this made me think about how I had made a number of women the centre of my world in the past, and I was only too aware that this wasn’t a good idea. This was something that took place during the time in my life when I hadn’t started writing and when I had just started to write.
The Main Focus
I had other interests in my life at this time but, whenever I was with a woman, all these other areas faded into the background. It was as if the woman was in full colour yet the other areas of my life were in black and white.
Consequently, I ended up acting needy and sending too much energy towards her, which would often cause her to pull away. So, instead of acting like an individual, I acted as though I was just an extension of her.
She may have wanted to be with someone who she could share her life with, but what she got was someone who behaved more like her child. Needless to say, this was not an area of my life that was very fulfilling.
Still, the women I ended up with had their own corresponding issues or we wouldn’t have crossed paths. And, as I had made these women the centre of my world, it was incredibly painful when our time together came to an end.
An Inner Emptiness
Over time, I came to see that the reason I made a woman the centre of my world was because I hadn’t emotionally separated from my own mother and developed a strong sense of self. Thus, I felt empty and like a neglected child deep down, and this was wounded part of me was looking for its mother.
Connecting to a woman would then cause me to regress and to project my unhealed parts onto her, thereby making it impossible for me to see her as just another human being. A human being who has their own needs, challenges, and wounds, for instance.
I ended up thinking about if I would want to be with a woman who acted more like my child than my equal, and it became clear how off-putting this would be. I thought that I would want to be with a woman who has plenty going on in her life, and doesn’t see me as her caregiver either, so that she doesn’t expect me to fulfil all her needs.
There were needs that I would be able to meet and needs that I would be able to meet, and the same would apply when it came to my needs. It was also clear that I needed other interests in life so that I didn’t make another person the sole focus of my life.
If we are not happy with our own life and we expect someone else to make us happy, we are going to be putting a lot of pressure on another person and this will make us less appealing. On the other hand, if we are living a fulfilling life, we are going to be far more attractive to another person.
And, through being enriched by the life that we lead and by having a number of different interests, we won’t need to make another person more important than they are. We will value them, but we won’t elevate them into the position of a supreme being.
Naturally, it is going to be a lot easier to live in this way when we feel emotionally whole and are in touch with our own needs. If you feel empty and find it hard to connect to your needs, you may need to reach out for the support of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.