What someone may find, if they were able to step back and reflect on their life, is that they continually end up in situations where they feel unloved, unwanted and even invisible. Now, this could mean that they have had a number of relationships that have been anything but fulfilling.
But, while this could be the case, this could be how they feel around their friends and when they are at work. Of course, their friends are not going to meet the same needs as an intimate partner and their colleagues are not going to meet the same needs as a close friend, let alone an intimate relationship.
A Similar Experience
However, in each of these situations, a number of their needs are going to be unmet. The reason that intimate relationships are likely to be the area of their life that is likely to cause them the most pain is because they will expect more from this area of their life.
So, if they have been with a number of people who haven’t been able to truly be there for them and they ended up feeling deeply deprived, it would have caused them to suffer. Due to how many times this has taken place and how deprived they feel in general, they could be well and truly fed up with what is going on.
At this point, they could believe that someone or something out there is holding them back or punishing them. Or, they could just see themselves as a powerless victim when it comes to this area of their life.
What could make this even worse is if they have had a number of people tell them that they are a good catch or words to that effect. These people may have also told them that they are simply unlucky and just need to be patient.
A Bleak Scenario
If they have done a number of things to improve their appearance and even their social standing, it could be even harder for them to accept. They will then have done all the ‘right’ things but it won’t have had much of an impact on their life.
They may have moments when they wonder if their life will always be this way and if they just need to accept it. Still, even if they do have moments like this, their need to deeply connect to another person in particular, and others in general, is unlikely to disappear.
If they were told that what is taking place in their life is likely to be a consequence of what is going on for them at a deeper level, they could end up feeling confused. Said another way, what is taking place in their unconscious mind is likely to be what is causing them to spend so much time being emotionally deprived.
This part of them will contain pain and unmet developmental needs, among other things. And, although both of these elements can typically be outside of their conscious awareness, they will still be having an impact on how they experience life.
If they continually end up in situations where they feel deprived, there is a strong chance that they were deprived of what they needed during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were physically harmed and/or neglected.
It then wouldn’t have been possible for one or both of their parents to provide them with the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To be more specific, they are likely to have been deprived of the eye contact, touch, adoration and presence, for instance, that they needed.
A Brutal Time
If they were not egocentric at this stage of their life and had a somewhat if not fully developed thinking brain, they might have been able to see that they were treated this way thanks to their parent or parent being unable to love. Yet, as they were egocentric and didn’t have a fully developed thinking brain, they would have personalised what took place.
Therefore, they would have felt unloved, unwanted and as though no one cared, and these feelings reflected reality, and this would have been due to them being worthless, unlovable and bad. But, as they needed their love, care and acceptance to develop in the right way, they wouldn’t have been able to truly accept the reality of the situation or feel their feelings as this would have been too much for them to handle and threatened their very survival.
To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they are likely to have gone into a shut down state, they are also likely to have created a false view of their parent or parents, and they would have probably done what they could to try to receive their parent or parents love. But, if they were unable to love them, this approach wouldn’t have allowed them to receive what they needed.
As ineffectual as this would have been, it would have stopped them from having to face how they truly felt. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but they will have unconsciously been doing what they could to avoid their true feelings and receive what they missed out on.
The Same Story
Clearly, the people who they have looked towards to meet their emotional needs won’t be their parents but part of them won’t have realised this. By unconsciously projecting their parent into another person, a big part of them will have hoped that they would finally be loved, wanted and cared for.
The challenge is that as they will have unconsciously created a very similar scenario, they will have once again been deprived of what they needed. Not only this, another adult will be able to meet certain adult needs that they have but they won’t be able to meet their unmet developmental needs.
For them to gradually put an end to experiencing life in this way and to move out of a shut down state so that they can actually receive, they will need to face the pain and express the unmet developmental needs that are inside them. This will take courage and patience and persistence.
Throughout this time, there are likely to be moments where they experience resistance, and, considering how much pain they are likely to have inside them, this is to be expected. This is a time for them to be kind and gentle with themselves.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
To book your free 15-minute consultation, click here.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.