Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If Someone Had An Emotionally Underdeveloped Parent?

Even though someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they have it together and are living a fulfilling life. Instead, their life could be one big struggle and they could be well and truly fed up.

But, if this is just what is normal, what is going on for them might not stand out. As a result of this, there will be no reason for them to look into what they can do to change their life.

Stepping Back

Now, if they were to able to reflect on how they experience life, what could soon stand out is that they are overly focused on others. Consequently, they could see that this is causing them to neglect themselves.

But, if they were to think about how they want to live their own life, their mind could end up going blank. Furthermore, if they were to think about not being here as much for others, they could end up feeling anxious and guilty.

Two Parts

What will stand out from this is that they feel responsible for others and don’t have a strong connection with themselves. This is then why they are so focused on others and find it hard to say no to them and are living a life that is not fulfilling.

However, although living in this way is taking a lot out of them, they might not feel comfortable opening up to anyone. The people in their life, due to how they themselves come across, could believe that they are doing fine.

Lop Sided

Yet, if they are overly focused on the people in their life, most if not all of these people could be very self-centred. Therefore, they are not going to be concerned about what one’s needs are and are then not going to notice that one is not in a good way.

Their relationships are going to be based on them giving, whilst receiving very little in return. If they were to describe what these relationships are like, they could say that they are like a parent and these friends are like their children.

Playing a Role

Over the years, they may have spent a lot of time listening to their problems and giving them advice. They might also find that they have said the same thing to them again and again, only to watch them make some of the same mistakes over and over again.

If these people were to describe them, they could say that they are mature, wise and selfless, for instance. This is just going to be an act, though, and if they were to connect with how they really feel, they could find that they feel like a needy and helpless child.

What’s going on?

At this point, they could wonder why they are an adult but they feel anything but strong and capable and are out of touch with themselves. What might enter their mind is that there is something wrong with them.

Irrespective of whether they do or don’t see themselves in this way, there is a strong chance that they were deprived of what they needed during their formative years. This may have been a time when it wasn’t possible for them to be a child.

A Strange Scenario

The reason for this is that one or both of their parents might have been developmentally stunted and needed a parent. So, they might have typically been very needy, needed to be the centre of attention and been unable to handle life.

As their parent or parents were this way, they would have had to play the role of the parent. The outcome of this is that a number of their developmental needs would have seldom been met.

A False Self

To handle what was going on, they would have been forced to lose touch with their true self, so a number of their needs and feelings, and to create a disconnected false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad.

If they didn’t adapt in this way and become the parent that their parent or parents wanted but never had, they might have been physically harmed, put down and/or left. In all likelihood, this is something that still took place.

Frozen In Time

Considering this, as their formative years were a time when they were unable to be a child and to receive what they needed in order to grow and develop in the right way, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be in a good way. Their early years would have deeply wounded them.

The pain that they experienced and had to repress, along with the developmental needs that were not met, will be held inside them. Facing this pain and working through it and experiencing these needs will be a key part of what will allow them to reconnect to themselves, develop boundaries and feel comfortable freely expressing themselves.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk