If someone didn’t have at least one parent who was able to see them as a separate individual who had their own needs and feelings, and generally attuned to them and met their needs, they might not be aware of this. Now that they are an adult, they might not be able to remember a great deal about what took place during this stage of their life.
However, if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this stage of their life is well and truly behind them. Instead, the impact that it had on them can be preventing them from being able to live a life that is worth living.
As a result of this, their adult life is likely to have a lot in common with how it was for them as a child. But, as they won’t be able to remember a great deal, it won’t be possible for them to join the dots, so to speak.
If they were able to go back in time and re-experience one of the days that they had as a child, though, they might soon see how similar their adult life is and realise why it is the way that it is. At this point, it might seem strange why they wouldn’t be able to see what is going on.
But, as strange as this may seem, there is a good reason why they are this way. Their brain will have blocked out most if not all of what took place to allow them to keep it together and function.
It is then not doing what it can to stop them from waking up and seeing what is going on; it is doing what it can to protect them. What this comes down to is that if the memories and pain that goes with it was to break through into their conscious awareness, their ability to keep it together and function would be greatly undermined.
The main Concern
This shows that their brain’s main priority is to keep them alive; it is not to help them ‘wake up’. The downside of this, of course, is that this is causing them to endlessly replay their past and continually suffer.
They will then have generally been deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way as a child, and, now that they are an adult, they are going to continue to be deprived. But, as they are not connected to this stage of their life, they could simply believe that they have no control and are powerless, and even that someone or something ‘out there’ is punishing them.
A Closer Look
When it comes to their inner experience, they could typically experience a lot of ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings. So, they could often feel frustrated, angry, enraged, helpless, hopeless, worthless, invisible, rejected, unloved, not good enough, and unwanted.
Just about every area of their life might not be very fulfilling, either. If they were to reflect on the thoughts and feelings that they often experience, they could believe that their inner world would change if what was going on externally was different.
When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something soul-destroying. Not only this but they could be used to being treated badly and as though they have no value.
What they say might often be ignored and it could be normal for them to be talked over. If so, they are likely to dread going to work and look forward to leaving when they are there.
When they are with their friends - that’s if they have any - the experience that they have could be very similar to the one that they have when they are at work. Whenever they are with them, then, they could be in the background, rarely saying anything and seldom being heard when they do speak.
Therefore, they are typically going to feel ignored, unseen and invisible when they are around these people. They could have the tendency to focus on other people’s needs and be out of touch with their own.
A natural outcome
Ultimately, as they didn’t receive the nutrients they needed during their formative years, they wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth. In other words, their physical self will have grown but their emotional self will be in an underdeveloped state.
For both their outer, physical self to have grown and their inner, emotional self to have grown, they needed at least one parent who not only fed, clothed and gave them somewhere to live, but was able to acknowledge their existence and provide them with the mirroring that they needed. What their presence and love would have done is allowed them to develop a strong sense of self.
This would have allowed them to know, at the core of their being, that they deserved to exist, belonged, were enough, valuable, and lovable. As this didn’t take place, their sense of self wouldn’t have fully developed and they would have experienced a lot of pain.
Throughout this stage of their life, they are likely to have often felt unwanted, helpless, hopeless, worthless, unloved, rejected, and abandoned. These feelings were a reflection of how they were being treated.
Most likely, the parent or parents who were unable to see them and provide them with what they needed were also not seen during their formative years and were deprived. Due to how wounded and unaware they were, they repeated what was done to them.
What this emphasises is that how they were treated was not a reflection of their value or lovability. Yet, for them to know this, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.