Although someone is likely to have been connected to and expressed their emotional needs when they were a child, it doesn’t mean that this will be the case now that they are an adult. In general, their emotional needs could be a mystery and, naturally, this will stop them from expressing them.
When it comes to their emotional needs, this will relate to their need to be seen and heard, touched, appreciated, and supported. These are then needs that will be met primarily through intimate relationships.
But, if they are generally not connected to their emotional needs, they might not have the need to have any intimate relationships. In fact, they could spend a lot of time by themselves.
And, if there are people in their life, they could be more like associates than close friends. When they are around these people, then, they could typically talk about surface-level things such as what is taking place in the media.
Things over People
When they are by themselves, they could spend a lot of time in front of a screen. This can be a time when they will watch films, read and talk to people online.
Every now and then, they could feel drained and low, but, as they don’t realise that a number of their needs are not being met, they probably won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. Instead, they could believe that there is just something wrong with them.
When they do experience pain, they could end up consuming something in order to cover up how they feel. This pain will then be pushed out of their conscious awareness, at least for a short while.
There could come a point in time, though, when it is not possible for them to deny how they really feel. If they arrive at this point, they could end up paying a visit to their doctor.
If this was to take place, they could be told that they are suffering from depression and might end up being put on medication. This might allow them to go back to how they were before but to no longer feel low.
Before long, that’s if this approach helps them, they could find that they don’t feel any better. If, after this, they were to reach out for external support and spoke about their life, they could end up being told that they are suffering because they are being deprived of the human contact that they need.
Although they are being deprived of human contact and are suffering as a result, they might not readily accept what is being said. They could say that they don’t need others and are happy spending time by themselves.
What this will show is that even though part of them does need human contact, there is another, stronger part of them that is not willing to accept this. This other part of them will then be dominating the other part of them and thereby, stopping them from being able to connect to let alone express their emotional needs.
If they were to look back on their life, they may see that there have been moments when they expressed their need for human contact and ended up being rejected. The pain that they experienced when this happened would then have played a big part in why they seldom do this.
During such moments, they may have felt hopeless, helpless, and worthless and even wanted their life to end. Due to this, it is to be expected that they would typically live as though they are an independent human being that doesn’t need others.
What’s going on?
If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them, with them often being rejected, ignored and abandoned.
The roles would then have been reversed, with them having to meet some of their parent or parents needs. Being of the love that they needed to be able to grow and develop would have deeply wounded them and prevented them from being able to go through each developmental stage.
As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to do anything about what was going on. Their only option was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and create a disconnected false self.
They would have had to leave their body and to live up top, to handle what was going on. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and themselves were bad.
In reality, their needs and their true self are not bad or shameful. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents and perhaps any else who wounded them at this stage of their life.
For them to realise this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.