Although both men and women can be out of touch with how they feel, it is undoubtedly something that impacts a lot of men. Therefore, it would be easy to say that more men than women are affected in this way, but that would possibly be a matter of conjecture.
With that aside, when a man has the tendency to be out of touch with how he feels, he can go one of two ways. Either he can be happy with how rational he is and end up criticising both men and women for being ‘too emotional’ and ‘needy’, or he can come to the conclusion that something isn’t right and have the urge to do something about it.
Yet, regardless of what a man believes when he is generally out of touch with how he feels, what is pretty clear is that, in general, he is likely to experience life in a certain way. What he may find is that it is as though he is living on the surface of life, as though he is unable to go to a deeper level.
Now, this doesn’t mean that he won’t have a mind that questions life and looks deeper into the nature of reality, for instance. No, what it comes down to is that as he is out of touch with how he feels, he most likely won’t be able to connect with people at a deeper level.
Thus, he will be able to share his mind with others and even his body, but his heart won’t be available. So, he is going to find it hard to form strong connections with others and other people will have the same issue when it comes to forming strong connections with him.
When it comes to the people in his life, they might only be there because they serve a purpose. For example, he might just get in touch with these people when he wants to go out or if he wants something.
The part of him that just wants to give and doesn’t need anything in return – his heart – won’t be there to balance his relationships out. This doesn’t mean that he will always come across as though he doesn’t care about others, as he might have developed the ability to act as though he cares.
This is then going to be an act that he can put on when he has a need - or a number of needs - that need to be met. There will be certain people who are pulled in by this behaviour and will stay around, while there are likely to others who will pull away shortly after they have realised what is going on.
A Common Theme
Due to the fact this man is divided, he may find that he has the inclination to attract people who are just as disconnected, as well as those that are overwhelmed by their emotions. When he is around people who are highly emotional, he may end up wondering why they can’t control themselves.
Still, soon after this, he may think about what it would be like to be in touch with how he feels. That will, of course, depend on if he is aware of the fact that he is emotionally disconnected.
If he has had a number of relationships with women in the past, he will probably have been with a number of women who have lamented the fact that he wouldn’t commit. Its then as if these women have been available but he hasn’t, however, this is likely to be nothing more than an illusion.
The reason these women were attracted to him is likely to be because they were also unavailable; it’s just that they would have been so consumed by the fact that he was unavailable that they were unable to see that they were also unavailable. But, to have realised this, they would have had to take their attention away from him and to focus on what was taking place within them.
Up and Down
As a result of being out of touch with his feelings and therefore, his body, he, in all probability, won’t have the capacity to experience love, joy, gratitude, or even true happiness and fulfilment. Nevertheless, what he may be able to experience is anger, frustration, anxiety and fear, and he may have moments when he feels flat.
If he does feel good, it might be a sign that he has had to use his willpower, and this can mean that he looked towards the external world to feel alive. Drugs, sex, or alcohol, for instance, are then going to be needed to lift him up and out of the depths of hell.
Out of Touch
The good feelings that are within him are going to be out of reach, and this is why he will depend on external stimuli to change his inner state. Additionally, being this way may mean that he is unable to understand others people’s facial expressions and body language (subcommunication); then again, he may have developed this ability through reading books.
One way of looking at this would be to say that this is just what some men are like and that’s the end of it. And, while some men may be born this way, there are going to be others that are not.
What can define whether or not a man’s emotional self is integrated is what his early years were like. How his caregivers treated him, along with what took place during his time in the education system can play a part here.
His early years may have been a time when he was abused and/or neglected, which would have meant that he had to disconnect from his body in order to survive. Conversely, he might not have been abused, but, he may have been brought up in an environment where his caregivers rarely acknowledge his emotional self.
Perhaps his father was also out of touch with his feelings, meaning that he wasn’t able to give his son the guidance that he needed to develop and to gradually integrate his emotional self. And the reason his father behaved in this way may have been due to how he was brought up.
An emotionally numb father and a distant mother would then have helped to create an emotionally numb son, and this could be a pattern that goes back a number of generations. It is highly likely that this is something that took place unconsciously.
If a man can relate to this, and he wants to become an integrated human being, he is going to need to redevelop a connection with his body. For this to happen, he may need to work through the trauma that he is carrying.
As this takes place, he may find that he is able to connect to his body and to tune into how he feels. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, and, through the attunement/positive regard that someone like this provides, it can make it easier for him to become emotionally literate.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.