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Emotionally Disconnected: Why Are Some People Emotionally Disconnected?

25/10/2013

39 Comments

 
While emotions are often seen as a distraction and an inconvenience, they are a vital part of being human. Without them, life would be pretty meaningless and while there wouldn’t be any lows, there also wouldn’t be any highs either.

It would lead to a life that is very empty and although one might be alive, it would be nothing more than a life of simply existing or surviving. So this could be a life that makes one wonder if life is really worth living.

An Analogy

When one goes to sleep, they typically lay on a bed that is comfortable and soft. And this allows them to relax and to have the potential of a good night’s sleep. Their body can connect to the bed, without needing to retract or tense up. Quiet simple, they can let go and just be.

If they were to sleep on concrete or on a wood floor, the experience wouldn’t be the same. Here, one will feel tense, uptight and pain is likely to arise. And if this person was to let go and just be, they will probably feel worse than if they pull themselves together and maintain a closed position.

A Matter Of Degree

This example is, in many ways, what it can be like for someone who is emotionally disconnected. There is not much comfort or pleasure to be had; what there is likely to be is a sense of being cut off and that something is missing. How disconnected one is, will often define how one does or doesn’t experience life.

One could feel disconnected at certain times in their life and so they don’t see it as a problem. It could be seen as a minor issue and so it is overlooked. And there can be other people who feel completely disconnected and it therefore doesn’t matter where they are or who they are with.

So one could come to the conclusion that they are cut off or they could have been in this position for so long, that they are unaware of life being any different.

It’s Normal

If emotional development and awareness was part of the education system or society in general, then one would have a way of not only knowing that they are disconnected, but also find it easy to come across solutions to this challenge.

However, as emotions are generally ignored in today’s world, it means that there is rarely anything external that will supply one with the feedback they need to see that something is not right. Through not having this external mirror or catalyst, one can end up coming to the conclusion what what they are going through is how life is and normal.

When it comes to ones physical health, there are plenty of things around to show someone that if they have a certain symptom, that something is not right. But the same approach is not available when it comes to emotional challenges.

Extreme Highs

One thing that someone can do when they feel emotionally disconnected is to engage in pursuits that will give them an extreme high. The problem is that while these will work, they don’t last and before long one is back to where they started and this could mean one is back to feeling numb once more.

Here could take part in some kind of extreme sports; pushing their body to the limits in order to feel something. Or they could become hooked on going to the gym to feel that rise in their life. Sex is another option that can give one an instant experience of feeling something.

As are tattoos and although getting them done is painful, it allows one to feel something. And there are drugs, drink and food and these all have the potential to give one an emotional high.

Consequences

When one is not experiencing these highs and artificially getting in touch with their feelings, there is going to be all kinds of consequences that can arise as a result of being emotionally disconnected. One of these can be a disconnection from one’s body and their body can feel separate from them.

So what it does or doesn’t do is then random and out of their control. And along with this physical disconnection, can be the experience of being separate from people and so one can feel alone and isolated. One could find themselves saying yes to things they would rather not do and being in situations they would rather not be in.

Their needs, wants and desires could also be a mystery to them; knowing when they are hungry could be challenge and when they are tired. It could well be possible that they have plenty of friends, but it is less likely that they will have any relationships that are deep or intimate. Relationships are likely to be superficial and without any kind of depth.

And to be out of touch with how one feels will mean that one is oblivious to the effects that their feelings are having. So what shows up in their life and how people respond to them will appear random; because one won’t be able to see the connection between their inner and outer world.

Causes

When one lives in their head and is estranged from their body, is a clear sign that one is carrying a certain amount of emotional pain. And that this emotional pain has become trapped in their body.

This could be the result of experiences in their adult life and go back to what happened to them as a baby and a child. And it could have be a one of event that was traumatic or an accumulation of events that while seemingly insignificant at the time, were just as traumatic.

One may have been brought up by a caregiver who was emotionally out of touch with themselves and therefore couldn’t provide the attunement or empathy required to raise an emotionally healthy child.

Trapped Emotions

So as there was no external mirror to validate and regulate how one felt, one had to simply push their feelings and emotions out of their awareness. At that age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to deal with them themselves.

Over time their body would have become a place of pain and living in their head would have provided an escape. But although it enabled one to avoid pain, it also resulted in them being cut off from every other emotion in the process.

Awareness

The above is a rough guideline of what can happen. These emotions and feelings that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be released in order for one to regain their connection to their body and to their emotions.

This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
39 Comments
Mikhail Negi
7/7/2014 06:02:34 pm

Let me first begin by saying that this article is as close to the truth of disconnection if one ever experiences it. I know it well, because i have been living like this for a very long time. I have been disconnected for such a long time that i am not able to acknowledge the types of feelings that i experience in certain situations. I could only understand the emotion by noticing my physical behavior. I too had thought about - "one had to simply push their feelings and emotions out of their awareness." it does work for a while. But later, it just vanishes away. No meaning. There is a reasoning behind that in my perspective. "Their needs, wants and desires could also be a mystery to them" indeed. I have experienced that. That is why i have classified myself as confused for a year.

This is the only time i have googled,'disconnection to emotions' and read your article word for word just to find out what could be the driving force behind ones every action? Maybe you could provide me with some answer(s). I have been trying to figure this out by myself for such a long time, i keep coming back to the same conclusion that is confusion.

Reply
Zander
24/5/2017 06:22:24 am

I have been emotionally disconnected for some time now, and I wish I could give you answers, but I have learned that I seem to be incapable of discussing certain things because they require emotional connection to be addressed properly. But I feel like in my head I know what to say to you. All I know is that I discovered that for me, any time I reconnect to my emotions, it's either really intense for just a moment and then dies down over the span of a couple of days, or it's just dull to medium level feelings that I can access for maybe a week.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
8/7/2014 11:03:11 am

Hello Mikhali,

I am pleased to hear that you found this article.

As for more assistance, feel feel to get in contact with me via the contact page.

Oliver

Reply
Jelan A
8/7/2014 09:56:00 pm

Im actually glad I have found an article like this because ive been living emotionally disconnected from my emotions since I was a young baby. The emotion that only showed was happiness but inside was a bad hurricane. I remember going to my great Grandparents funerals, while everyone felt grief & sadness . I wanted to smile ? But Im 19 now & I needed to find out why I feel the way I feel. I watch everyone I come across with the different emotions they have & look at my one or none. & the only thing that comes like mikhali said is confusion. Nothing more but confusion, & then you go right back to your disconnected feeling like the confusion just left the building. But your articke priced to me that I need professional help. I love people but can't feel or understand ones emotion.
Mostly I just wanted to say thank you !

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
9/7/2014 12:50:39 pm

Hello Jelan,

thank you for getting in touch.

It is good that you are aware of what you need to do. I wish you the best with this next stage of your journey.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
[email protected]
16/8/2014 06:38:58 am

Ah another good article Oliver,just when I needed it. I have for the past few months been trying to connect to my body. As I have spent the last 40years living in my head. Only to start connecting with my body and becoming aware of horrific traumatic memories associated with my baby self. Stuff I thought I dealt with in counselling. I now know that in counselling as much as it helped it was talk therapy and I was not actually dealing with the feelings associated.

NOW I am delving in to the emotional side and feeling it all over again. However as memories emerge I find that the minute I see the grotesque abusive faces of the primary caregivers, it send me spiralling down in to a state of helplessness,powerlessness and I feel unable to stop the brutal critic attack. Than just as I think I am over it, along comes another memory,feeling side.

On the one side the whole process seems/feels enlightening as I watch and view feelings and images associated with a brutal past. My body shows and shares a story,like a jigsaw puzzle putting everything together. How basically thoughts and beliefs I developed as a baby/toddler have basically clouded my entire life.

I am fully aware that my belief closest so to speak needs a massive overhaul and updating as they no longer apply. And how the baby/toddler part has massively had a major impact on my adult decisions .

My therapist told me to go out make new memories and attach new feelings in to my body than I will get back in to my body, that it is no big deal if I am not in their at the moment as trauma is still stuck inside.

I am on a mission to prove her wrong as I have every right to live and inhabit my body. Sometimes it feels like the Primary Caretakers are inhabiting my body with their filth and I am stuck in my head looking down at them, or other times it feels like I am a child in my body a baby and they are looming down at me from my head attacking me…..arghhhhhhhh

I keep promising myself that this is part of the process and one day I will be fully in my body. I am also aware that it has been 40years since i have been living in my body, so I cleaning house so to speak.

Makes me angry that abusive toxic parents walk around blending in to society as if they are the most nicest people ever. Yet hiding the dark damage and pain that their evil deeds have caused.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
16/8/2014 02:01:04 pm

Hello Sanita,

thank you for sharing that; there is a lot there to take in.

It sounds as though your therapist was misguided and fortunately you realised this. What you are doing takes courage.

I hope you reach out for support if you need it. Keep going.

All the best,

Oliver



Reply
Jay
6/5/2015 01:14:17 pm

sanitadevi,

You are a strong person for being capable of seeing these truths in the first place. Try to be proud of this achievement in a healthy way.

Many do not even get that far due to the mind attempting to protect them from their pain in the most intense of ways. Some will spend their entire lives disconnected.

You are well on your way to healing if you keep this up! It's a long journey I know because I too am in the process of healing from childhood and adulthood trauma.

One thing I can say is sincere forgiveness works like magic. People tend to misunderstand this and feel insulted by such advice however at times they may not completely understand where this is coming from.

Allow me to explain...

True forgiveness ,the deepest kind there is, involves putting yourself into the shoes of your abusers. Imagining why they would act the way they did? What caused them to become such a person? How abused where they growing up? and to what degree were they suffering?

Empathy is the backbone to healing. Without possessing sincere empathy we cannot truly heal in my opinion.

The first steps being forgiving and empathizing with OURSELVES.

We do not have to love our abusers and forgive them for their sake however we must learn to truly love ourselves and forgive them for our sake! In order to heal deeply.

This is a process. It's a journey as stated before. Sometimes you will feel so far ahead of the game that the pain seems like it couldn't possibly return. Other times you'll feel as if you've slid down the mountain of healing a few thousand feet or more.

It is natural and OK to feel these ways. The key is to keep getting back up, dusting yourself off and being easy on yourself. Do not continue to treat yourself like your abusers treated you. That can be tough.

Those who have never suffered such abuse will never truly understand our fight. It is a daily struggle.

However remember this when we take this challenge head on, forgiving ourselves, loving ourselves and sincerely attempting to forgive others along the way we learn quite a bit about being human.

In this learning true happiness exists!

There is no such thing as nirvana on the face of this planet however those moments of true happiness make it all worthwhile.

You'll get there keep going. Don't give up stay strong!

Much love to you,

Jay

Reply
Toni
22/11/2019 11:56:49 pm

Thank you for addressing the value of forgiveness. It is difficult to learn but essential to true well being. It keeps one from being self absorbed and egotistical. We are all damaged somehow and have hurt others in one way or another. By forgiving we acknowledge our own shortfall. Hurt is hurt no matter what the depth or perception. Forgiving is the deepest way to heal and love. It makes your whole life better.

April
20/12/2016 12:46:34 am

This is exactly what I needed to help my husband understand what is going on with me. I would like to know what is next for people? I have been seeing a therapist. I get talk therapy. How do I work on connecting with the people I am supposed to love?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
20/12/2016 05:30:18 pm

Hello April,

thank you for your comment.

Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about this.

When it comes to what is next, it can all depend on what is going on. So I dont want to just give a general answer. My personal coaching may assist you with this.

All the best,

Oliver

Zander
24/5/2017 06:27:42 am

I completely relate to that last statement. It makes me so mad that these people can just walk around like they're totally normal and everyone treats them like they're nice and healthy people. But then I can never get fully mad about it. It sort of blanks out and I feel like "why am I even trying?" It feels like my emotions and thoughts want to go somewhere but it's just a void. A blank dark void with invisible walls.

Reply
L.K.
29/12/2014 06:03:45 pm

Hey, I loved this article. Describes me very well. Now I'm wondering, barring getting therapy, how else can i "fix" this?

Thanks!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
30/12/2014 04:12:13 am

Hello L.K.,

I'm pleased to hear that it has assisted you.

If this is something you can relate to, I would recommend that you seek external assistance.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Toni
23/11/2019 12:02:30 am

I am afraid to face the pain of my emotions. There is so much of it. I used to write. But I stopped because it makes me think so deeply. I threw away all of my old journals. I didn’t want to see them anymore. My emotions are trapped. I won’t look at them because they scare me.

Colleen
11/8/2015 01:21:00 pm

Wow. I feel your article offers information on something I have been wondering about a long time. I would definitely like to know more about emotional disconnection, I myself feel as though I am totally severed from my emotions and often feeling emotionless. Could you recommend any books I could read on this? I do see a therapist but have only briefly touched on this subject but feel when I see him next I would wish to discuss this in more depth.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
11/8/2015 01:29:11 pm

Hello Colleen,

I am pleased to hear that this has assisted you.

The book I have written called 'Childhood' might be a good place to start. This can be found on the side of this page.

All the best.

Oliver

Reply
Michelle R.
20/8/2015 05:38:31 pm

Hello Oliver. An interesting article. I have sought therapy on 3 separate occasions in my adult life. In all 3 occasions my therapy came to a halt. It was like hitting a brick wall. I assumed it was me, however, the last one explained that i needed a deeper level of therapy. Much deeper. My issues, hurt, trauma, etc. run thick and deep and go way back. It is quite painful and frustrating to walk down the same road, theee times over and not really end up anywhere. How does one tell if the therapist they are seeing can handle my issues?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
21/8/2015 11:50:06 am

Hello Michelle,

thank for getting in touch.

Firstly, I would say that is important to find someone who has experience with what you want you want to work with. Along with this, it will be important for you to feel comfortable in their presence.

I hope that helps.

Oliver

Reply
Michelle R
15/4/2017 12:34:35 am

A follow-up to my first question. I researched and found a psychologist. I was seeing her for over 4 months. Into my fourth month, she mentioned to me that I could easily be sitting on her side of the room. And while I appreciate the compliment, it was unsettling. After a setback, and a postponed session, she reached out to me via telephone. I responded, as she requested, in writing and also left her a voice message. She replied, and started off by saying she needed to clear the air on one issue. She went on to inform me that she is NOT A DOCTOR. She has been practicing for so many years that she was permitted to register with the provincial registry of psychiatrists and psychologists.
I am at a loss. I have poured out my heart to this person, sought advice and am paying serious money to try to deal with and move on from horrible events and suffering. I have been calling her Doctor since day ONE. Four months later she decided to tell me.
After this painful journey, I find myself even less able to trust. Once again, I have run into a brick wall.
I feel angry, exposed, ripped off, deceived and very very tired.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/4/2017 09:24:22 pm

Hello Michelle,

i'm sorry to hear about your experience.

There are plenty of good therapists out there, so I hope you dont give up.

All the best,

Oliver

Jessica
4/9/2015 08:17:31 am

I've been suffering form this for nearly two years. It's getting me so down I just don't no what to do. The doctors aren't very helpful us there any help you have for me

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
4/9/2015 10:15:16 am

Hello Jessica,

my advice would be to work with a therapist. Find someone who understand what you are going through, and they should be able to assist you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Carina
12/9/2015 09:38:08 pm

I have always been aware that I am emotionally numb, I didn't have the most perfect childhood and lately this issue has been concerning me. Today I decided to Google "emotionally disconnected" I don't know whether it applies to me, my problem is that on daily basis I don't feel emotion, and if something happens, for example a death of family member I will cry first 2 minutes then suddenly I feel nothing and I can't revoke these emotions afterwards, and I'm back to feeling... well, nothing. I don't understand this, I'm very confused by it.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
14/9/2015 06:44:14 pm

Hello Carina,

thanks for getting in touch.

It sounds as though it would be a good idea for you to work with a therapist or some kind of support group.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Roopika
14/1/2016 06:05:34 pm

This is exactly what I am going through. The highs and the complete numbness. Thank you so much for the article. Reading this made me feel like finally some1 understood me.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/1/2016 01:03:27 am

Hello Roopika,

thank you for your comment.

I'm glad that this has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Stacy
25/11/2016 02:50:39 am

I had a rough childhood. I have been married for 12 years with stepchildren. I was a mental punching bag for a stepchild and my inlaws. My husband never stood up for me. I don't feel cherished nor important. I now feel so disconnected without importance. I am depressed. I let life go by without being happily fulfilled. I have numerous regrets. I hope one day to be truly loved and to truly smile again. I'm sad inside, seeking happiness and a loving surrounding.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
27/11/2016 05:14:22 pm

Hello Stacy,

thank you for your comment.

I hope that you soon reach out for the right support so that you can change your life.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sal
13/4/2017 10:54:21 pm

Thank you for this article.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
14/4/2017 02:58:22 pm

Hello Sal,

you're welcome.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Kelly
5/7/2017 01:56:01 pm

Great article, it resonated strongly with me. One question: why is it that you recommend seeking external help to solve this issue? Is it not possible to work through on your own?

It seems like a very uncomfortable topic to try and work through with someone else, so a self-help option seems like it would be ideal.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
5/7/2017 03:30:20 pm

Hello Kelly,

I'm pleased to hear that this article has assisted you.

When one is emotionally disconnected, there is the chance that they experienced trauma when they were younger, and this trauma is then why they are unable to reconnect. So in order to change this, they may need external support.

As if one felt comfortable enough to do this by themselves, they wouldn't need to be out of touch with how they feel to begin with.This is similar to how someone is more likely to lift heavier weights when they have another person their to spot them; this person allows them to go where they wouldn't have gone by themselves.

Through working with a therapist or a healer, it will be easier for them to get in touch with what is going on in their body. The other person will 'hold the space' for them.

One thing that can stop someone from reaching out for this kind of support is shame. However, a good therapist or healer is there to help, not to judge.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Serious_30
5/9/2017 01:33:00 pm

I have to agree with people who found this article accurate. I myself have a history of neglect and never was really aware of it until I had someone literally listens to my emotions. After that a lot of behaviour like the ones described stopped happening. I appreciated the analogy with the sleep by the way.. simple and complete

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
7/9/2017 03:56:30 pm

Hello,

thank you for your feedback.

I hope you reach out for the support that you need.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Joe
9/3/2018 12:35:16 pm

Thank you for this article. I feel like I've been disconnected from my emotions for just over 2 years now and have just felt confused as to how and why it happened. I've been stuck in my head trying to work it out but of course I've never come to a conclusion to help.

It's like I do feel the initial emotion, be it anger, frustration, nervousness - but then it just disappears and I can't get it back in the moment and I'm left so confused how to then act afterwards, because I can't act off no emotions, that's who and what you are right?

I've been seeing a counsellor for 3 around 2 months now and it's been somewhat helpful but a little slow which is frustrating to me because I just want to overcome this problem asap. Is there anything else I can do in this time?

Thanks again for the article, found it very relatable.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
20/3/2018 05:06:04 pm

Hello Joe,

the book I put together on trauma may help you with this - https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Sabotaging-Your-Life/dp/1975893441/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1521565513&sr=1-9

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
David
10/4/2018 09:22:53 am

I have felt like this for a while. I don't seem to be able to form new emotional relationships. All my friendships seem to be just acquaintances. I don't feel depressed
I just don't care or maybe I just don't want to care about other peoples emotions. I feel emotions and have even had people come to me asking for advice on emotional problems. I do my best to help them, but I just find it annoying more than anything. why am I so detached like a person playing sim city, watching and interacting but no emotional attachment?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
26/4/2018 09:11:13 am

Hello David,

perhaps there was a time when you experienced trauma, with this causing you to disconnected from your emotions.

My advice would be to work with a therapist or to read books on this area to find out what is going on for you.

All the best,

Oliver

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    That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.





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