While there are some men who grew up with a father, there are others that grew up without one. However, just because some men had their father around, it doesn’t mean that he was actually available.
In this case, a man’s early years may have been a time when his father was generally around but that would have been about as far as it went. As a result of this, it would have been just about impossible for him to get close to him.
In the same way that a rainbow can be seen but it is not possible to get close to one; his father would have been seen but he would have typically been unreachable. Still, while his father would have been distant, it doesn’t mean that he realised this when he was younger.
In fact, even though he is an adult, he still might not realise that this father was emotionally unavailable. As a child, he would have had no way of knowing that this father wasn’t available and would have most likely believed that there was something wrong with him, not his father.
Through having a father like this, then, there would have been what he went through as a child and there will be what he is going through now that he is an adult. His early years would have been a time when he just had to adapt to what was going on and his adult years could be a time when he is doing the best that he can to keep it together.
As a child, he wouldn’t have had much control over his life, yet now that he is an adult, this won’t be the case. Nonetheless, he might not feel as though he has much control over his life now that he is an adult.
Back In Time
During his early years, his father may have spent a lot of time working or focusing on certain things when he was at home. And even if he wasn’t doing these things, it could have been as though he was somewhere else entirely.
When it came to his mother, she may have been a lot more involved, or perhaps she was just as absent. What is clear is that his father wouldn’t have been a good role model or provided much guidance.
A Deep Wound
The reason that he would have most likely come to believe that there was something wrong with him as opposed to his father is that at this stage of his life, he would have been egocentric. This would have stopped him from being able to understand that there was nothing wrong with him.
Once this belief was in place, it would have been hard for him to feel good about himself and to feel comfortable in his own skin. This may have caused him to become shy and quiet, or he may have gone the other way and become loud and even obnoxious.
And as his father would have provided him with very little, if any, guidance, he may have felt completely lost at this stage of his life. It may have been as if he was expected to make or build something, without being given any information on how to do it.
Once again, he would have most likely believed that there was something wrong with him for not knowing how to behave or what to do. When in reality, he wasn’t given the guidance that he needed, so there was no reason for him to know.
This can mean that he didn’t learn the importance of self-discipline, self-control, delaying gratification, taking action and working hard. Furthermore, by not being encouraged by his father, it may have stopped him from developing courage.
He probably wouldn’t have been able to learn how to relate to a woman from his father, either. His father may have been walked over by his mother, too, setting him up to believe that men are weak and spineless.
In The Same Boat
To deal with the pain that he experienced during this time of his life, he may have ended up emotionally shutting down himself. Like his father, he would have ended up leaving his body and being somewhere else.
The years would have passed but what took place when he was a child would have stayed with him. When it comes to what he is still carrying from the past, there will be what he believes, the emotional wounds, and the trauma that is held in his body.
The truth is that how he was treated at the beginning of his life had nothing to do with his value as a human being and everything to do with what was going on for his father. This means that he is not worthless, weak, useless, or incapable.
With the drive to heal and to get the guidance that he needs to transform himself, there is no reason why he can’t give himself what his father was unable to give him. Perhaps his father was also brought up by an emotionally unavailable father and, thereby, unconsciously passed on what was done to him.
If a man can relate to this, and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. With the assistance of a therapist or a healer, he can start to question what he believes, heal his emotional wounds and resolve the trauma that is held inside him.
As for developing his masculine nature and the abilities that are associated with it, there are plenty of books out that that shed light on how to do this. Ultimately, it all starts with him taking the first step and not giving up, no matter what happens.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.