False Self: Can A Man Have The Need To Act Tough If He Had An Emotionally Distant Father?

In general, a man could come across as though nothing fazes him and this could mean that a number of men look up to him. If this is the case, he could be seen as an example of how a man should be.

Like a big oak tree, then, he is rarely going to be affected by what is going on around him and he will typically be in control of himself as a result. As he is this way, it could mean that he is ‘successful’ in at least one area of his life.

A Number of Values

When it comes to how a man should be, he could believe that he should be brave, independent, mentally strong and unemotional. If he was to come across a man who is emotionally expressive, then, he could soon see him as being weak and lacking self-control.

He might end up saying something to him or he could keep his view to himself. If he does say something to him, he could be somewhat supportive or he could end up pulling him down.

One Area

If he is in a relationship, he could be with a woman who is overly emotional and finds it hard to experience emotional control. If so, she will be on one side of the spectrum and he will be on the other.

Along with this, he might not be overly affectionate but have a high sex drive, with this primarily being when he experiences physical contact. And, if he does have a child or children, he could be just as unaffectionate and encourage them to be brave, self-reliant, mentally strong, and emotionally in control; having very little time for vulnerability, the need for support, or emotional expression.

A lot of Weight

Regardless of it he isn’t in a relationship, has a child or children, or does or doesn’t have a number of friends, he might rarely if ever open up about any challenges that he has. Naturally, this is going to put him under a lot of unnecessary pressure.

The reason for this is that he is, ultimately, an independent human being; he is not here to do everything by himself. However, dealing with his challenges by himself is likely to be seen as a sign of strength, whilst sharing them with others is likely to be seen as a sign of weakness.

Another Area

If he has a number of friends, these could be people who are very similar to him. Consequently, there is going to be no reason for him to be open about what is going on for him, or for his friends to do the same thing.

Based on this, if he didn’t have any friends, he is unlikely to be much worse off. Of course, he would be deprived of basic human contact but he wouldn’t be deprived of real support as this is already lacking.

Too Much To Handle

Now, even though this is how he behaves and has probably behaved for quite some time, there could come a time when he is unable to carry on behaving in this way. Something could happen, something that just about knocks him right down.

For example, he could lose his job, have a health problem or experiences a loss. And, in addition to this, there can be all the tension that has built up over the years, with this plus whatever has happened recently taking him out.

Confusion

If he was to be broken down in this way, he could start to wonder why he has had and still has the need to be strong and finds it so hard to be vulnerable. The truth is that he is a human being, not a superhero, so there is no need for him to deny a big part of himself.

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it can be due to what took place during his formative years. This may have been a time when he was brought up in an environment where it wasn’t acceptable for him to be himself.

A Closer Look

Instead, he may have had a father who was emotionally distant and cold and wouldn’t tolerate him expressing certain parts of himself. So, if he was vulnerable, sad, or made it clear that he couldn’t do something and needed support, he might have soon been criticised by his father.

He would then have learned that in order for him to be accepted by him, he had to play a role. As he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with who he was.

The Outcome     
                                              
What took place will be over, but, behind his tough shell will be a boy who just wants to be loved by his father. As his shell or defences have started to break down, this can be a time when he has started to come into contact with a lot of pain

This pain will relate to the pain that he experienced by not being loved for who he was and had to repress very early on. Working through this pain and experiencing his unmet developmental needs is likely to be a key part of what will allow him to be himself as opposed to playing a role that causes him to feel trapped.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk