False Self: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Focus On Other People’s Needs?

While someone will have their own needs to fulfil and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that this is what will typically take place. In general, they could overlook their own needs and lead a life that has very little to do with who they are.
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Still, this could just be what is normal, meaning that they won’t be consciously aware of the fact that they are living in the wrong way. Naturally, living in this way will still take its toll on them, though.

A Bleak Existence

They can often feel frustrated and feel very low but they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. If they were able to, they would be able to see why they feel this way and do something about it.

But, while they can feel very low, they are likely to do what they can to hide how they feel from others. Most likely, this will be something that takes place without them even thinking about it.

One Big Act

When they are around others, then, they are likely to come across as happy and as though nothing is bothering them. Along with this, they could often take on the emotional state of the person or people they are with.

Like a chameleon, they will merge with what is taking place in their environment and act like they are simply an extension of another or others. Thanks to this, most of the people in their life are likely to feel supported and understood by them.

Indispensible

But, as they are practically always there for others and expect very little if anything from them, this is not going to be much of a surprise. They will be like a servant who doesn’t get paid for what they do.

If they are ever asked how their life is going, they could say that everything is fine or something similar. Thus, even when there are moments when someone is there for them, they won’t be able to talk about what is truly going on for them and to express their needs and feelings.

Fed Up

As the years go by and they continue to suffer, they could get to the point where they no longer have the energy or the desire to behave in his way. Even so, they could still feel compelled to play the role of someone who is totally focused on the needs of others and is needless.

For so long, their true self will have seldom seen the light of day and this will be something that they are no longer willing to tolerate. But, if they still feel the need to behave in this way, being aware of what is going on won’t be enough to truly liberate them.

An Exercise

If they were to imagine that they are focusing on their own needs and are no longer focused on the needs of others and are actually expressing themselves, they could end up experiencing a fair amount of anxiety and fear. Instantly, they could feel the need to go back to how they were before.

What this will illustrate is that neglecting themselves won’t just be what feels comfortable; it will also be seen as the only way for them to survive. They could struggle to understand why they are this way and see this as irrational.

A Closer Look

Yet, even though how they are can be seen as being irrational, there may have been a time when behaving in this way was the only way for them to survive. If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to think of a time when this was the case.

What this can show is that their brain has blocked out what took place in order to protect them, which will deprive their conscious mind of the insight that would shed light on why they are this way. Their early years may have been a time when they were forced to be there for their parent/s and if they didn’t do as they wanted, they may have been abandoned and isolated.

One Priority

During their developmental years, they needed love and attention to be able to grow and develop in the right way. But, if their parent/s were unable to truly love them and to give them what they needed, they would have simply had to adapt.

As their parents were not there for them, they would have been forced to be there for them, losing touch with their true essence in the process. This would have caused them to be deprived of what they desperately needed but they wouldn’t have had a choice.

Jumping Through the Hoops

One way of looking at this would be to say that they only received conditional love, so they were given attention and were acknowledged when they fulfilled their parent/s needs. But this wouldn’t be accurate as they didn’t receive love or very little.

What they could do for their parent/s and playing a role is what mattered, not who they were and what their needs and feelings were and this is why maintaining their false self is seen as the only way for them to survive. As a result of this, deep down they are likely to believe that there is something inherently wrong with their needs, feelings and preferences, so their true self.

An Awful Time

If they were rejected and abandoned when they didn’t do what their parent/s wanted, it would have been deeply traumatic. And even when they did do as they were told, this may have still have often happened.

To be left at a stage of their life, when their brain and nervous system were not developed enough, would a have been too much for them to handle. Their only option would have been to automatically repress how they felt and to go into a shut-down, collapsed state.

The Outcome

So, as their formative years were a time when they were only supported when they played a role and hid their true self, it is to be expected that this is what will feel comfortable now that they are an adult. Expressing who they are and revealing their needs and feelings will be seen as something that will cause them to be cast aside once again and to die.

The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with their needs, feelings or who they are. How they were treated was most likely a sign that their parent/s were not in a good way and were probably brought up in the same way, leaving them in an underdeveloped and disordered state.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk