When someone is born, they are going to be an embodied human being. That is, of course, unless their time in their mother’s womb and their birth was not traumatic.
By receiving the right attunement and care throughout this time, their connection to themselves will be supported and strengthened and they will be able to develop a strong sense of self. This shows the importance of having at least one parent who is emotionally available and is able to love.
Thanks to what took place during this stage of their life, when they are an adult, they will have a good connection with their needs and feelings. And, as they were able to securely attach to their primary caregiver, they will feel comfortable reaching out to others and attaching to them.
This will allow them to meet a number of their needs and settle their nervous system down. Also, they will know where they begin and end and where other people begin and end, which will allow them to stand their ground and say no at the right times.
Now, although this is how some people’s developmental years were, it is not how everyone’s developmental years were. If someone’s developmental years were radically different to this, they can be in a bad way now that they are an adult.
Yet, what is going on for them can just be what is normal and thereby, it won’t be something that stands out. If they were to reflect on their life, though, and explore what took place during their formative years, they are likely to soon see why their life is the way that it is.
Back In Time
After they were born, then, and assuming that the other stages of their life went to plan, they would have soon been on the receiving end of misattuned care. Therefore, if they were not left when they needed to be held and looked at, for instance, they might have been held when they wanted to rest.
Consequently, it would have been normal for them to be overwhelmed and they would have only had one option – to shut down and disconnect from themselves. The connection that they had with themselves would then have been broken over time and they wouldn’t have received the nutrients that they needed to develop a strong sense of self.
Moreover, as a number of their needs were seldom if ever met, they wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to their parent or parents. They would have learnt that people were out of reach and couldn’t be trusted to be there for them.
Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that not only were their needs and feelings bad but that their very essence was bad. Thus, not only were they deprived of what they needed but they came to see themselves as being at fault.
Most likely one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable and deeply wounded. This is why they were unable to both attune to their needs and give them what they needed to grow and develop in the right way.
There is a strong chance that one or both of their parents were also brought up by one or two parents who were unable to be there for them during their formative years. So, as they hadn’t received what they needed and hadn’t taken the time to resolve any of their emotional wounds, they passed on what was done to them.
If they hadn’t disconnected from themselves during this time, their life probably would have come to an end. Ultimately, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was no other way for them to ensure their survival.
Disconnecting from what was happening, and losing touch with reality, was what allowed them to make it to the other side, so to speak. The challenge is that as they won’t have a strong connection with themselves and feel comfortable with their needs or reaching out to others, what kept them alive at one stage of their life will be causing them to suffer unnecessarily at another.
But, as they will be loaded up with pain, they won’t simply be able to get back into their body; this is something that will take time. Developing a healthy relationship with their needs and feelings will also take time.
Learning to reach out to others and developing a felt sense of trust won’t happen overnight either. This is why it will be important for them to be courageous and patient and persistent.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.