Father Wounds: Can A Man Be Out Of Touch With His Fight Instinct If He Had An Abusive Father?

In order for a man to assert himself and to stand his ground, he will need to have a strong connection to his fight instinct/aggression. Ultimately, this part of his being will provide him with the vitality and the power that he needs to truly embrace life.
​
Having this connection doesn’t mean that he will always be trying to fight or to intimidate others, as this part of his being will be integrated. It could then seem as though he is free from aggression.

A Different Reality

Taking all this into account, if a man is not connected to this part of his being, it will most likely be a challenge for him to assert himself and to stand his ground. What will probably be normal is for him to simply ‘go with the flow’ and to be walked over by others.

One thing he will have in common with the man above is that he will most definitely seem as though he is free from aggression. He will have enough strength in his body to stand up and to go about his day-to-day life, but that will be about as far as it will go.

A Door Mat

When he is at work or with his friends and family, he could often be disrespected and treated badly. Some of the people that he comes into contact with are likely to not only embody what he lacks, but may have gone to the other extreme and embody his shadow side.

What this means is that while he will meet people who are well integrated, he will also meet those who not well integrated. When it comes to the latter, they will have been consumed by their aggression and will, as a result, lack boundaries.

A lack of Backbone

Yet, as he is not in tune with the part of his being that will provide him with the vitality and the power he needs, he will simply tolerate what is taking place. He will be like a punch bag in that he will just take the blows.

Naturally, experiencing life in this way is going to greatly undermine his mental and emotional health. How could he feel good about himself when his life won’t reflect who he is and he is used to being treated badly?

A Common Experience

Although he may often feel angry and frustrated, he might spend more time feeling down and depressed. Still, this is not to say that he will allow other people to see this side of him as he could typically come across as happy or create the impression that everything is fine.

Not showing how he really feels and putting on an act will be part of his inability to assert himself. In general, he will do what he can to please others, which will be a reflection of his false-self.

A Miserable Existence

Considering his inability to assert himself, what his relationships are like, and how he often feels, it is to be expected that his life won’t be very fulfilling. It almost certainly won’t be full of joy.

Through living in this way for as long as he can remember, he might often wonder why he should carry on any longer. Here, he might think about ending his life but this could be an idea that soon lives his mind, with him going back to feeling very low and deeply defeated.

A Deeper Look

Now, regardless of how long his life has been this way for, there is a strong chance that he wasn’t born this way. And even if he was, what took place during his time in his mother’s womb may have played a part in why he lacks energy and is out of touch with his masculine power.

With that aside, what took place whilst he was a child may well be the reason why he is the way that he is. This could have been a time when it simply wasn’t safe enough for him to assert himself and to stand his ground.

Hell on Earth

On a weekly, if not daily, basis, he may have been physically abused by his father. For no apparent reason and if ever he did something ‘wrong’, he may have been hit by something his father held or by his father directly.

As for his mother, she may have been beaten down and incapable of doing anything or she may have even encouraged this type of behaviour. From a very early age, he would have known that if he asserted himself and even tried to defend himself, his very survival would be at risk.

A False Sense of Control

Disconnecting from his fight instinct/aggression would have been a way for him to try to minimize the harm that was inflicted on him. However, as he wasn’t at fault for what was going on, it probably wouldn’t have done much.

Along with losing touch with this part of himself, he would have had to disconnect from his body. This would have been the only way for him to keep the pain that he was in at bay; there probably wouldn’t have been anyone around to soothe his being.

A Battle

As he wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away, he would have had to rely on his bodies other survival responses to keep him alive. Disconnecting from his body would have been the main way and his body would have also frozen up (the freeze response).

Through freezing up and playing dead, it would have been hoped that he would have been left alone. It is unlikely that this response was very effective, though, and this is why dissociation – leaving the experience without actually leaving it – would have been the most effective.

Awareness

What he experienced all those years ago will have remained in his body, and this trauma will be what is preventing him from operating as a whole human being. A big part of him will have been split-off and this part of him will need to be reintegrated for him to be whole again.

This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer. What he will need to keep in mind is that what took place wasn’t his fault and that he deserves to live a life worth living.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk