Although a man will be an individual who has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that he will allow himself to act like one. In general, he could put his mother first and do what he can to fulfil her needs.
Naturally, this is going to cause him to neglect a number of his own needs and for his life to be overlooked in the process. But, while behaving in this way won’t truly serve him, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to draw the line.
If he was able to step back and see what is going on, he could wonder why he is this way. After this, if he was to imagine living a life where he puts himself first, he could feel deeply uncomfortable.
So, as opposed to this being the right thing for him to do, it will be seen as the wrong thing. Consequently, he could continue to live in the same way, with this being seen as the only way for him to live.
A Miserable Existence
Therefore, even if he creates the impression that everything is fine and he is happy to be there for his mother, this won’t be the truth. Deep down, he is likely to resent the fact that he has to overlook his own life and be there for her.
When he is by himself, he could typically feel very low and depressed. What is clear is that he is not going to have the tendency to feel alive, powerful, valued and in control of his life.
As for his mother, she may expect him to be there for her and feel entitled to his time and attention. As a result of this, there will be no reason for her to encourage him to put his own needs first and live his own life.
He is then not going to be in an actual prison and will be free to do what he desires, but he won’t realise this. At this point, it can seem strange as to why he experiences life in this way.
Most likely, he is this way due to what took place during his early years, with this being a time when he missed out on the nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. There will be the impact that both his mother and his father had on him.
However, as he is so focused on his mother, it can seem as if she is the only one who wounded him whilst he was growing up. Based on how he behaves as an adult, there is a strong chance that she used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
Practically from the moment he was born, he probably had to be there for her and, as time went by, to act more like her parent than her child. If so, for whatever reason, she wouldn’t have been able to give him what he needed.
He would have been forced to disconnect from his true self, so his needs and feelings and to develop a false self. The purpose of this false self would have been to survive, not to grow and expand, and focusing on his mother’s needs would have been how this took place.
As the years went by, his father’s influence would have been even greater and this may have been a time when his father often harmed him. But, while his father was also an adult, he may have been more like his mother’s servant.
Thus, if he himself didn’t do what his mother wanted or displeased her in some way, his father may have ended up physically harming him. Neither of his parents, then, would have been truly there for him and provided him with the support that he needed.
A Brutal Time
If his mother didn’t hit, reject and/or abandon him for not doing what she wanted and even if she did, his father would have harmed him. His best option, to avoid being left and/or harmed, would have been to do as his mother wanted.
Standing up for himself or finding another family wouldn’t have been an option as he was powerless and totally dependent. The only thing he could do was to automatically repress how he felt, to shut-down and tolerate what was going on.
A natural outcome
Now, many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life and his father might no longer be around but his system won’t realise this. A big part of him will still see life in the way and doing what his mother wants will be seen as the only way for him to survive.
His brain and body will carry a lot of pain and this pain will need to be faced and worked through in order for him to truly put his past behind him. This is unlikely to take place overnight; it will take patience and persistence.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.