Father Wounds: Can A Man Find It Hard To Feel Safe If He Had An Abusive Father?

Although a man could live in a country that is relatively safe, it doesn’t mean that he will feel safe enough to be in his body and to feel at ease. Consequently, he could spend a fair amount of time feeling anxious and on edge.

Along with this, there could be moments when he is in a shut down state and can’t feel anything. However, even if this is how he often experiences life, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of when either of these things takes place.

The Norm

If this is the case, it will be due to the fact that being edgy or shutting down will just be normal, which will prevent him from being able to see what is going on. Still, being this way is going to have a negative impact on his life.

He is going to experience a lot of unnecessary stress and this will take a lot out of him. There will be the impact that being emotionally unstable has on his life and the impact that shutting down has.

The First Experience

When he is emotionally unstable, it won’t be possible for who he really is to appear, as his true self will be covered up by the arousal that he is experiencing. This can also cause him to be submissive and to allow other people to walk over him.

He may find that it is hard for him to focus, to get things done and he may struggle to fall asleep. What is clear is that he will be a shadow of the man that he would be if he was able to feel at ease.

The Second Experience

When he is in a shut down state and can’t feel anything, once again it won’t be possible for who he really is to appear. His emotional self, which is a big part of who he is, will have been split off.

Thanks to this, he is likely to feel disconnected from others, depressed and as though life has no meaning. Just as when he is having the previous experience, he won’t be anything like the man that he would be if he was connected to himself.

Stepping Back

If the man was able to reflect on how he experiences life, he may see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. This is likely to have played a part in why it has taken him so long to notice that something isn’t right.

It could be as though he was simply born this way and this is just something that he has to put up with for the rest of his life. Now, if he was been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that his early years were not very nurturing.

Back In Time

This may have been a time when he was physically harmed by his father. Instead of him having a father who helped to prepare him for the real world by giving him what he needed to thrive, he would have done the complete opposite.

So after a certain point, his father would have started to harm him. This may have taken place when he didn’t do what his father and perhaps his mother wanted and for no apparent reason.

A Giant

When this was taking place, it would have been as though he was being harmed by a giant. He would have been deeply traumatised throughout this stage of his life, and he would have often felt fear, anxiety and terror, along with different survival responses.

Also, he would have felt as though his life was going to come to an end whenever this took place. The anger, rage and hate that he would have experienced would have been split off, due to it not being safe enough for him to have these feelings.

Totally Helpless

He wouldn’t have been able to fight back and he wouldn’t have been able to run away; his only option was to repress how he was feeling and to tolerate what was going on. Over time, he would have ended up living on the surface of himself and become “neurotic”, and these are simply consequences of a brutal period of his life and what allowed and continue to allow him to keep it together.

And, while his father treated him badly, he is likely to have formed a positive view of his father. As he was dependent on his father and mother for his survival, he had to lose touch with how he really felt about and saw his father and to create an idealised view of him.

The Past is present

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but how he felt all those years ago will continue to be held deep in his body. Consequently, even though what took place is over, he won’t be able to truly put the past behind him.

For this to happen, he will need to let go of the arousal and the pain that is held inside his body. By doing this, he will gradually be able to feel safe enough to exist and be in his body and be able to step into his power.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk