Father Wounds: Can A Man Put Other Men On A Pedestal If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Father?

When it comes to the men in a man’s life, some of these could just be seen as other human beings, whilst others could be seen as being far more. As a result of this, he is not going to view all of the men in his life in the same way.
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However, this is not to say that this is something that he has consciously thought about or that he has looked into why this is the case. If he has gone deeper into this, he might have just thought about what he likes about the men who he sees as being different.

A Closer Look

In general, these men could be older than he is and they could have achieved a certain level of success. Or, if they are not overly successful, there could be at least one area of their life that is going well.

Now, irrespective of what is going on for these men, he will have elevated them to a high level; a level that is out of his reach. He is then going to be a man, just like them, but they will be seen as having something that he himself doesn’t have.

The Halo Effect

Through perceiving these men in this way, it might not matter if they do or say anything that is ‘negative’ or destructive, as it could be overlooked or dismissed. Ultimately, the view that he has of them won’t be altered.

If another man was to meet these men and to get to know them, he could have a radically different impression of them. This is not to say that he wouldn’t like them and would put them down, it’s just that he wouldn’t necessarily elevate them to such as high position.   

A Big Difference

When it comes to his own life, he may have achieved a lot but, no matter what he has achieved, he could believe that he is not at the same level as these men. Regardless of what he does, then, it won’t allow him to truly level up, so to speak.

These men will be at one level and he will be at another level. So, as he has placed them in such a lofty position, it is to be expected that he will believe that it is not possible for him to get to their level or to do the things that they do.

A Way of Life

If he was able to take a step back and to reflect on how long he has viewed certain men in this way, he may find that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. Therefore, as this has been going on for so long, it is not a surprise that he hasn’t questioned what is going on or looked deeply into it.

If this has been the norm for many, many years, it is likely to show that his early years were not very nurturing. This is likely to have been a time when he missed out on the ‘ingredients’ that he needed in order to grow and develop in the right way.

Emotionally Stuck

This means that his physical body and even his intellect will have grown over the years but his emotional body/self will have stayed in an undeveloped state. Through being in an emotionally undeveloped state, he will unknowingly see certain men as father figures.

Another way of looking at this would be to say that he will be engaging in transference, whereby he will unconsciously project the father that he needed as a child onto certain men. Consequently, when he is around these men, and just though having them in his life, it will be easier for him to keep his true feelings at bay and to feel things that he wouldn’t usually feel.

Out of Balance

Considering this, if deep down, he didn’t feel helpless, powerless or unsupported, for instance, it would allow him to see these men in a more balanced way. This would take away his need to put them on a pedestal, which would stop him from believing that certain things are out of his reach.

The key will be for him to change his inner world, as this will allow him to develop a stronger connection to his masculine element. This inner change will lead to an outer change and the ability to see all men as fellow human beings as opposed to seeing certain men as possessing something that he himself doesn’t have.  

Back In Time

When it comes to why he missed out on the essential ingredients that he needed as a child, there is the chance that his father wasn’t emotionally unavailable. Through not really being there, he wouldn’t have provided him with the support, affirmation and guidance that he needed.

His father may have been seen as a bit of an enigma, someone who was there and yet couldn’t truly be reached. What happened wouldn’t have been his fault but, as he was egocentric at this age, it would have been taken as a sign that there was something inherently wrong with him and that he wasn’t enough.

Awareness

Additionally, the care that he received from his mother might have also been inadequate. Not receiving the right care from her would have prevented him from being able to have an emotional birth and, thereby, to gradually develop a strong core.

If a man can relate to this, and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk