Father Wounds: Can A Man Repress His Anger If He Had An Abusive Father?

If a man is in a position where he rarely if ever gets angry, he could struggle to understand why he is this way. What this can mean is that it is normal for him to be walked over, taken advantage of and not stand his ground.

This could be something that he experiences each week if not every day, and this might be what has taken place for quite some time. So, if he was to think about the last time his boundaries were crossed, he might not have to go back very far in time.

His Response

When he thinks about how he is often treated, he could experience frustration and be deeply depressed. By being this way, he is unlikely to feel a strong urge to do anything about what is going on.

Still, part of him could have the need to do something about his life so that he is no longer treated like a doormat. Ultimately, he will want to develop a strong backbone and be able to look after himself.

Self Doubt

But, based on how he is and how long this has been going on for, a big part of him can believe that he will always be this way and that his life will never change. As far as this part is concerned, then, he will just have to tolerate what is going on.

Due to this, there could be days when he finds it hard to get out of bed and even thinks about ending his life. But, as his life is not going to be very fulfilling, this is not going to be much of a surprise.

An Exercise

Now, with this aside, if he was to imagine that he is in a situation where he is being taken advantage of, he may find he doesn’t feel the need to do anything. It could be as if a gun is being held to his head and there is, then, absolutely nothing that he can do.

He will then swallow his words and not attempt to make it clear that what is going on is not acceptable. This should be a time when he feels energised and even angry and is able to assert himself.

Confusion

For some reason, though, he won’t feel energised or angry, and he will have most likely gone into a fearful and submissive state. With this in mind, it will be as though something inside him is not working as it should.

To use an analogy: he will be like a device that has had a wire cut and this will stop this device from working properly. These two wires will need to be joined again or he will continue to behave in this way.

Going Deeper

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could be due to what took place during his formative years. This may have been a time when he was regularly traumatised by his father and perhaps his mother.

Throughout this stage of his life, his father may have physically harmed him. Thanks to the power imbalance, he wouldn’t have been able to fight back or defend himself, and, as he would have been powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to leave home.

The Outcome

Along with his brain automatically repressing the pain that he was in, his anger would have also been split off. If he had gotten angry, this probably would have caused him to be harmed even more.

Over time, his anger and his aggression/fight instinct would have been completely repressed. As a result of this, he would have been able to be harmed, mistreated and violated without experiencing any resistance.

A Sitting Duck

The part of his being that was there to protect him would have been lost and while this would have served him at this stage of his life, it will have set him up to be an easy target as an adult. Ultimately, his self-preservation instinct will have gone into hiding and he won’t be equipped to look after himself and handle life.

His early experiences will have taught him that it is not safe for him to be angry and this is why his anger won’t be activated when it should be. If he was to embrace and express this anger, he is likely to feel as if he will die.

A process

What is clear from this is that he is not just going to be able to reconnect to his anger and stand up for himself. Not being connected to his anger is causing him to suffer but being connected to it is seen as something that would be far worse.

Therefore, reconnecting to his part of him will take time, and this will involve him expressing his repressed anger and the hurt that is below it in an environment where he feels safe. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk