Over the years, a woman may have been with a number of men who were abusive. However, although she would have felt deeply unsafe around them as time passed, she probably felt radically different around them at the beginning.
If this is the case, she would have felt safe when she was first with them and this will have changed as the days, weeks, and months passed. As a result of this, in each relationship, it might have been as if the man that she was with was replaced by another man.
Due to what she has been through, she might have decided to take a break from this area of her life. This can show that she believes that she is unlucky and needs to wait until her luck changes.
Additionally, she could believe that all men are the same and that, until they change, this area of her life won’t change. As things stand, then, she won’t be starting a relationship any time soon.
The Next Phase
At the same time, as her need to connect with a man won’t disappear, it might not be long until she ends up meeting a man who she is attracted to and begins another relationship. Once again, she can feel safe around him, but, as time passes, she can feel unsafe.
Assuming that this takes place, he will be just as abusive as her previous partners. After cutting her ties with him, it could take her a little while to find her feet again.
What’s going on?
And, although she could fall back on the view that she is unlucky and that all men are the same, part of her could wonder why her life is this way. This part of her won’t be willing to accept that she is merely a victim and that all men are the same.
If this part exists, it will be a part of her that is healthy and knows that her life can be different. By being curious about what is going on and asking questions, it will be possible for her to gradually change her life.
A Deeper Look
What she might soon realise is that she doesn’t feel safe and is drawn to men who she believes will allow her to feel safe. Moreover, she could see that she generally goes for men who are well-built or at the very least, come across as confident and strong.
Being with a man like this will allow her to feel protected and to be herself, but, as time passes, how the man comes across will play a part in what causes her to feel vulnerable and unable to relax. After this, she could wonder why she doesn’t feel safe and needs to be with a certain type of man in order to feel safe and to be herself.
A Strange Scenario
This will show that even though she is an adult who is whole and complete, she doesn’t feel whole and complete. At this point, she might wonder if there is something inherently wrong with her.
In all likelihood, there is nothing inherently wrong with her; it is just that she was deprived of what she needed during her formative years. This is likely to have been a time when she missed out on what she needed to grow and develop in the right way.
Back In Time
During this stage of her life, both her mother and father might not have provided her with the love, support and protection that she needed. So, her mother might have been passive, lacked backbone and put up with how her father behaved.
As for her father, he might have had a strong temper and been totally unpredictable. Being physically harmed and verbally put down by him might have been normal.
Along with being deeply deprived by both of her parents, she would have also been deeply wounded. To handle what was going on, she would have had to disconnect from her feelings and a number of her needs.
Going into the fawn response, being submissive and easy-going, is also likely to have been a way for her to try to minimise the harm that was done to her. Another part of this is that as she was egocentric, she would have come to believe that she was being treated badly because she was worthless and unlovable.
Repeating The Past
Taking this into account, as she didn’t grow up in an environment where she felt safe and loved, she wouldn’t have been able to develop a felt sense of safety or lovability, among other things. Consequently, her unmet need to be protected and loved will cause her to unconsciously be drawn to men who are very similar to her father in the hope that she will finally be protected and loved.
But, as the men that she is drawn to can’t protect or love her, not to mention that it is too late for her to meet these unmet development needs, she will be deprived and wounded all over again. For her to develop a felt sense of safety and lovability and change this area of her life, she is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.