Father Wounds: Can A Woman’s Unmet Development Needs Stop Her From Being Able To See A Man Clearly?

When a woman meets a man who she is attracted to and takes things further with him, she is likely to have a positive view of him. For example, she can see him as a man who is loving, kind, and protective.

Due to this, when she thinks about him and is with him, she can feel loved, valued, desired and safe. As a result of this, she could spend time thinking about being in a relationship with him and even starting a family.

The Truth

As far as she is concerned, then, the view that she has of him will be who he is. Therefore, it is not going to be a view that is being shaped by who she wants him to be; it will be a reflection of reality.

However, as time passes, she could find that he is very different to how he was in the beginning. He could end up being cold and indifferent, cruel and even physically abusive, for instance.

One Outlook

Assuming that this was to occur, she could come to the conclusion that he was deceiving her in the beginning. So, after he received what he needed and she had become attached to him, he changed.

Thus, she will have been taken advantage of and he will be to blame for the suffering that she is going through. In other words, she will be a victim and he will be a perpetrator.

A Pattern

If she were to cut her ties with him and were to think about this area of her life, she could find that this is not the first time that this has taken place. She may have been with at least one other man who ended up being radically different as time passed.

Consequently, she could believe that she is just unlucky or that this is just what men are like. If she does believe that she is unlucky or that this is just what men are like, she is going to have to wait until her luck changes or she will have to stay single forever.

Another Angle

Now, while it may seem as though she ended up being deceived and taken advantage of, what if there is far more to it? What if her brain played a part in why she was deceived and ended up being taken advantage of?

Upon hearing this, she might wonder how her brain could have played a part in what took place. If so, what she will need to keep in mind is that her brain plays a part in what she can and can’t see.

A Closer Look

What this means is that even though it will have seemed as if a man was one way and then he changed, there is a strong chance that the signs were there but her brain stopped her from being able to see them. It was then not that she was purely being deceived by him; it was that she was also being deceived by herself.

It can seem strange as to why her brain would have done this, especially as she will have suffered. Her brain wasn’t trying to cause her to suffer, though; it was trying to meet certain needs.

Two Levels

There will have been the needs that she was aware of and the needs that were outside of her conscious awareness. When it comes to the former, this will largely relate to her adult needs.

When it comes to the latter, this will largely relate to her unmet developmental needs. Naturally, her adult needs are very different to the needs that were not met during her formative years.

A Big Impact

These unmet developmental needs will be held inside her unconscious mind but they will play a part in what she craves and how she sees a man. Deep down, then, when she meets a man, she will see him as someone who will give her what she missed out on as a child.

Along with this, this part of her will also cause her to be drawn to a man who will cause her to re-experience what it was like for her as a child. What this illustrates is that, compared with her unconscious mind, her conscious doesn’t doesn’t have much of an effect when it comes to who she is or isn’t attracted to and the experiences that she has thereafter.

Frozen In Time

The reason this part of her will not only make her look of what she missed out on as a child but from people who can’t provide, it is that it has no sense of time and is blind. It then doesn’t realise that this stage is over and that other men are not her mother or father

Ultimately, this part of her is carrying a lot of pain and accepting the reality, that this stage of her life is over, will be very painful. It is even more painful, at least in the shot-term, than it is for her to re-experience depriving situations over and over again.

Back In Time

If she was able to remember some of the things that took place during her formative years, she may find that this was a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for her. Additionally, she may have often been put down and physically harmed.

Not receiving the attunement, love and protection that she needed would have deprived and wounded her. The pain that she was in and a number of her development needs would have been repressed, and, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place.

Drawing the line

For her to be able to see a man clearly and no longer look for what she missed out on as a child or create depriving situations, she will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk