Father Wounds: Did A Man’s Abusive Father Have A Fear Of Being Abandoned?

During a man’s developmental years, he may have not only had a mother who was abusive, but his father may have also been abusive. In this case, both of his parents would have played a part in undermining him.

A stage of his life, then, when he needed his mother's and father's love would have been a time when he was treated like he was nothing. This would have meant that he was deeply deprived.

The Past Is Present

Many, many decades many have passed since this stage of his life, but that doesn’t mean that he has moved on. Still, if what took place during this stage of his life has been blocked out by his brain, he won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak.

The challenges that he has could be put down to other factors such as him suffering from depression, for instance. That is, of course, if he is even aware of the things that are making it hard for him to have a fulfilling life.

The Reason

What this comes down to is that as his life will have been this way for a long time, it can just be what is normal. If he was to experience life differently, if only for a short while, how he experiences life would start to stand out.

Thanks to this, he would be able to see that he is not in a good way and needs to do something about it. What this demonstrates is how important awareness is, as without it, it won’t be possible for anything to change.

Stepping Back

If he isn’t aware of the fact that his life is not very fulfilling and something was to take place to shake him up, he could end up looking for answers. After a while, he could come to see that what is going on for him is common for those who were mistreated during their formative years.

Yet, if he was to think about his early years, he might not remember much, or he could believe that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad. This will show that his brain is doing what it can to allow him to keep it together and function.

Protection

If the memories and the feelings that go with them were to break through to his conscious mind, he might end up being overwhelmed. This would make it harder for him to keep it together and function.

After a while, though, after continuing to think about his early years, he might gradually start to remember some of what took place. What could enter his mind is that his father was physically abusive at times and his mother was physically and verbally abusive.

The First Part

Along with this, he could see that both of his parents were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for him. He might remember how he felt but he might not be able to feel the feelings.

The reason for this is the part of his brain that will allow him to remember what happened and how he felt will be different to the part that will allow him to feel how he felt. As a result, it can be as if he is talking about something that happened to someone else at first and over time, he will fully reconnect to the experience.

A Closer Look

Now, even though both of his parents routinely harmed him, he might see that it was his mother was the one who was primarily in control. His father would then have harmed him but he would have generally done this to please his mother.  

Instead of being an individual who stood his ground, he might have been more like an extension of his mother. He would then have been an adult and extremely threatening but he wouldn’t have been in his power.

The other Side

What this might show is that his father had a fear of being abandoned, which would have played a big part in why he was unable to stand his ground. His priority was then to do what he could to make sure that his partner, his son’s mother, didn’t leave him.

And, as he couldn’t stand up for himself, it wouldn’t have been possible for him to stand up for his son and provide him with the support and protection that he needed. Considering this, his father abandoned himself to avoid being abandoned and this is why he abandoned his son.

The Bigger Picture

Keeping this in mind won’t change what happened or remove the pain that he is in but it will allow him to see that his father wasn’t in a good way and this is why he was unable to be there for him. His mother is also unlikely to have been in a good way and this is why she hurt him.

Both of them were adults but as they most likely missed out on what they needed during their formative years and were deeply wounded, they were unable to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. So, as a child, he would have personalised what took place, but it was not a reflection of his worth or lovability.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk