If a man was asked what his father was like when he was growing up, he could end up coming out with a number of different things. One thing that he could say is that he was a solid guy; another thing that he could say was that he was a waste of space.
Then again, he could say that he didn’t do a bad job and that could be about as far as it will go. His reaction won’t be filled with emotion either way; it could be described as a muted response.
All in The Past
However, regardless of what this man says about his father, it could be said that this time in his life is just a thing of the past. As a result of this, it doesn’t really matter what took place.
And if the man doesn’t have fond memories of his father, looking back at this stage of his life will probably be the last thing that he wants to do. To add to this, he may still have a strained relationship with his father.
His main priority will be to embrace what is going on now and not to get caught up in what took place many years ago. He could see the now as being his point of power, with him having no power over what took place in the past.
At the same time, this doesn’t mean that his relationships with other men have always been plain sailing. If he was to think about what his relationships have been like with other men over the years, he may find that he has had a number of different challenges with them; in fact, there could be a man in his life that has really been pressing his buttons.
This is something that a man could find even if he says that his relationship with his father was fine, too. Nonetheless, in this case, it would make less sense to say that what is going on now has a lot to do with what went on with his father.
But, while it makes less sense, it can make complete sense if an understanding is in place of how the mind can respond to pain. The ego-mind can end up creating a false idea of someone as this defence (idealisation) will enable it to avoid painful feelings.
A Closer Look
So, then, irrespective of what a man’s early relationship was like with his father, he may find that he has had a number of challenges with men. Perhaps there are a few challenges that continually play out.
For example: he could find that he often meets men that lack boundaries and do their best to walk over him, men that are available at one moment and then soon end up disappearing after they have made certain commitments, men that are verbally abusive and/or men that are emotionally immature. There could be a number of other patterns that he has noticed, too.
Now, if he was to reflect on what is going on, he may find it hard to see how what is currently taking place has anything to do with what happened during his early years. The reason for this is that what took place during his early years will a have been associated as what is familiar and what is familiar is classed as what is safe by his ego-mind.
Therefore, whether he can remember what took place or not, what happened during this stage of his life will have had a big effect on him. Through having this understanding, it can allow him to no longer get caught up in his current challenges and to go back to their source.
In The Driver’s Seat
If this doesn’t happen, he can continue to feed into these challenges, thereby ensuring that they will play out. By taking a step back and realising that it is not about whoever it is that is currently pressing his buttons, he will be able to change his reality.
Without this understanding, he will continue to be undermined by people ‘out there’. This is going to take away a lot of his energy and make it harder for him to function at his best.
When it comes to his early years, he may find that his father was very similar to the men that have pressed his buttons throughout his adult life. This doesn’t mean that they will be a complete match, but certain traits can be there.
Through having these experiences as a child, he will have most likely experienced different emotional wounds and developed a number of limiting beliefs. These early experiences will have been painful, but as they are familiar, they will be what are classed as what is safe.
To no longer recreate the same story and to truly put the past behind him, it will be imperative for him to work through these emotional wounds and to question what he believes. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
This is unlikely to be something that will take place overnight but it will take place as long as he is patient and persistent.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.