Forgiveness: Does Forgiveness Happen Through Force?

When one is harmed in some way by another person, it has been said that they can hold onto how they feel or they can forgive them. If one holds onto how they feel, it could be said they will continue to suffer.

Not only will they have gone through a tough time as a result of the other person’s behaviour; they will also allow the experience to continue through how they feel. Whereas if one forgives the other person, it will allow them to move on from what happened and they won’t need to allow the experience to continue within them.

One Way

Based on this, it would be easy to say that the best option will be for one to forgive the other person, as this will allow them to move on with their life. If they hold onto what happened, they are going to be stuck in the past.

Through taking this approach, it could be said that one will be giving their power away, and this is naturally going to have a negative effect on their wellbeing. Thus, the sooner one forgives, the better their life will be.

A Technique

One way of looking at this would be to say that one simply needs to forgive the other person and then they will be able to carry on with their life. How they feel at an emotional level is then not important, as it is what takes place in their mind that matters.

It could even be said that one can be controlled by their emotions or they can take a more conscious approach. If one does this, one won’t allow their emotions to define how they feel, and it could then be said that one has self-control.

The Right Thing

Along with this, one can come to believe that they are doing the right thing, and other people could also say the same thing. Other people could say that they are rising above what has taken place, so to speak.

Therefore, if one was to hold onto what happened, they could feel as though they are doing the wrong thing and this outlook may be backed up by the people around them. In fact, it would be easy for one to act as though they have moved on in order to create the right impression.

Today’s World

It can be normal for one to ignore how they feel and to focus on forgiving another person, and this is partly down to how emotions are generally viewed. They are often see as being the result of what is taking place in one’s mind and as a result, the way to deal with them is to think differently.

The way for one to change how they feel will be for them to focus on their mind and when it comes to forgiveness, it will be for them to change how they think about what has taken place. Through doing this, they will no longer feel the same and they can put what happened behind them.

Denial

Now, there is the chance that one will be able to experience forgiveness through focusing on their mind; they can then move on from what took place and carry on with their life. This could be a time where they will stay in contact with the other person or they might decide to cut their ties.

However, this could also be a time where one disconnects from how they feel and simply acts as though they have forgiven someone. On one hand, this will be a way for them to avoid pain, and on the other hand, it will allow them to look good in the eyes of others.

Two Parts

What this comes down to is that this is not just about what is taking place at a mental level; it is also about what is taking place at an emotional level. And while one can change their outlook through thinking differently, it doesn’t mean that they can change how feel by using the same approach.

At times, it will be necessary for one to face how they feel in order for them to change how they feel. During this time, one will need to work through how they feel and this is unlikely to be something that will take place overnight.

A Process

So instead of forcing themselves to forgive someone, one is taking the time to process what is taking place within them. In this sense, one is surrendering to how they feel, and this can be seen as the healthy approach to take.

Ultimately, it is what is taking place within them that will define how they experience life and not whether they forgive someone. For example, one could overlook how they feel and forgive someone, and the pain within them could still cause them to suffer.

The Priority

At the same time, one could work through how they feel and decide that they don’t want to forgive someone, and they could end up being in a better position. One is then not doing what they can do avoid how they feel or to look right, they are focused on their own needs.

Responsibility

They might also believe that the other person has to earn their forgiveness, and it could be said that there will be times when this will be the best option. As if one was to simply forgive someone, it could cause the other person to see them as a soft touch.

And instead of realising what they have done wrong and how they need to change their behaviour, they could end up doing the same thing all over again. This could be seen as something that one would do if they had good boundaries.

Awareness
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What this shows is that this is not something that is black and white, and how it will be important for one to listen to themselves. If one finds that they are overwhelmed by how they feel, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist, for instance.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/