Happiness: Why Do Some People Believe That They Don't Deserve To Feel Good?

It is often said that human beings want to experience pleasure and to avoid. Based on this outlook, each person on this planet is going to have the same intention, and even if their actions are not allowing them to experience pleasure in one moment, they are going to hope that they will lead to pleasure at some point in the future.

In this sense, there are going to be times when one can achieve this aim straight away and other times when they will have to work towards this aim. Therefore, at times they will be able to experience instant gratification and at other times they will have to delay gratification.

The Same Purpose

However, regardless of whether they have what they want straight away or have to what a while, their intention is going to be the same. If they have something straight away, it might not be as fulfilling as it would be if they had to wait a while.

This is why it will be important for one to be able to handle frustration; without this ability, it is going to be a challenge for them to delay gratification. It can then end up being normal for them to be drawn to things that give them an instant boost.

A Different Experience

When one does feel good, their experience on this planet is going to be radically different to how it would be if they felt bad. And not only will this have a positive effect on their life, it can also end up having a positive effect on others.

This is because when one feels good, they may find it easier to accept others, whereas, if they feel the bad, it can be harder for them to do this. Through feeling this way, their whole life can seem more worthwhile, and this can cause them to find even more reasons to be happy.

Two Sides

On one side, one’s life can improve through feeling good, and on the other side, the lives of others can also improve through being in their presence. The people around them may end up being inspired and end up changing their life in some way, or they may just feel better for a short while.

This is going to mean that if one doesn’t feel good and they spend time around others, it could end up having a negative effect on them. But, while one may feel the need to always come across as though they are happy, it will be important for them to be honest with themselves if they want to be a whole human being.

Felling Alive

In order for one to feel fully alive, it will be important for them to embrace both sides of the emotional spectrum. If they were to stop themselves from experiencing feelings from the ‘negative’ side of the spectrum, it will end stopping then from being able to embrace the feelings from the ‘positive’ side of the spectrum.

This is because although there are two sides, they are both coming from the same place. Therefore, it will be vital for one to understand that both sides are important when it comes to living a life where one feels fully alive.  

The Exception

While there is no doubt that human beings are programmed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain, it would be inaccurate to say that everyone on this planet wants to feel good. This is not to say this is relates to what they want at a deeper level, but based on how they behave; it can be seen as the truth.

There are some people who are rarely, if ever, happy, and even if they were given the chance to change how they feel, it doesn’t mean they would take it. It is then as if they are doing everything they can to stop themselves from being happy

Uncomfortable

And if they were to have moments where they felt happy, it might cause them to feel uncomfortable. They are then going to put an end to how they feel and return to what feels comfortable.

This doesn’t mean this will take place consciously and that one will think about what they are doing, but it will happen nevertheless. In this case, it could be said that one has a low tolerance for feeling good and a high tolerance for feeling bad.

Going Down

When someone feels bad and they have a high tolerance for feeling good, they might reflect on why they feel as they do and then do something about it. However, when one feels bad and they have a low tolerance for feeling good, they might end up getting caught up in how they feel and do nothing about it.

To experience life in this way is going to be painful, but the pain they experience is not going to cause them to change. If one is aware of what is taking place and wants to feel better, they may wonder why this is what feels comfortable.

Self Image

How one sees themselves is going to play a big part in what they allow themselves to experience. If one believes that they don’t deserve to feel good, it is going to be challenge for them to feel good.

Feeling bad is then not necessarily how they want to feel at a deeper level, but it is what feels comfortable. The belief they have in their head is likely to be kept in place by what is taking place in their body, and this could be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame.

Toxic Shame

As a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to feel as though they are worthless. At one point in their life, they may have been punished by others, and then as time has passed, they are punishing themselves.

This could have been during their childhood years and they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. And until these experiences have been processed, one is not going to be able to tolerate good feelings.  

Awareness

One could focus on their thoughts and try to ‘think positive’, but as they can’t tolerate good feelings this is unlikely to get them very far. Another approach will be for them to let go of the toxic shame and the other emotions in their body, and as this happens, they will gradually be able to tolerate good feelings.

This is can take place through mourning unmet childhood needs and tolerating the toxic shame that is within them until the charge begins to discharge. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group can give one the support they need to undertake this process.

It will also be important for them to be around people who accept them for who they are. This feedback will play an important part in one being able to realise there is nothing wrong with who they are.

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Oliver JR Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/