Happiness: Why Do Some People Feel Guilty For Being Happy?

7/6/2013

It is often said that everybody wants to be happy and yet this doesn’t mean that one will be comfortable when they are happy. For some people, being happy is a wonderful experience and for others, it is something that leads to incredible guilt.

And the very thing that one wants is then casing them to feel down and even miserable. Logically this is unlikely to make any sense and why would it.

Self Sabotage

This could cause someone to sabotage their happiness and as soon as it comes, it goes. It then leaves as quickly as it arrives. Or one may just end up feeling miserable when they should be happy and therefore waste the whole experience.

But it may mean that one doesn’t allow anything in their life to get this far. As the guilt is so strong, one is constantly on the lookout to minimize or end anything that would create happiness for them.

This can go on at a conscious level and at an unconscious level, but the consequences will be the same. And just about everything will be done to sabotage any form of happiness.

Two Stressors

There will be two ways that this can impact one’s life. One is through the internal conflict mentioned above and the other is through external experiences. And although they can be seen as separate, they can both influence each other.

Through feeling guilty within for being happy, one can end up projecting this outlook onto other people and interpreting their behaviour in a certain way. Here one will assume that other people may reject them or disapprove of them for being this way.

And while this could be the case, the world is also made up of all types, but through the perspective that one has, one may see everyone as being this way.

Acceptance

What this all comes down to is being accepted. Their perspective is likely to be that one will only be accepted by others when they are unhappy. Now, this is rarely going to be something that one is consciously aware of. It is more likely to be taking place at a deeper level.

No matter who one is or what one does, complete acceptance from everyone is not possible. And yet, for the person that can’t be happy, acceptance is being interpreted as life or death.

Through the eyes of an adult, this outlook can seem absurd. But if a child had this outlook, it would make perfect sense.

Regression

And just because one may look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that one is emotionally an adult; there can be times when one can feel like a child. Here one can revert to a time in their life where being accepted was a matter of life or death.

This is likely to be ones childhood years and how one was responded to by their caregivers during times of happiness and joy will have had a big impact.

Childhood

During this time, ones ego mind will have formed associations around happiness. If one received approval, acceptance or validation for being happy, then being happy would be classed as familiar and therefore. But if one was invalidated, rejected or unapproved of for being happy, then being unhappy would have been associated as being familiar and therefore safe.

So, if the second occurrence took place, one would have come to learn that it was not safe to be happy. It was only safe it they were unhappy.

This could have been something that happened on a regular basis or it could have also been a one of event that was traumatic.

Examples

Although there can be numerous ways in which this is played out and experienced by someone as a child, there can be certain patterns. Perhaps one had a caregiver that was experiencing some kind of emotional pain and therefore couldn’t stand to see another person happy. To see another person happy, only reminded them of their own unhappiness.

It could be that one had a jealous or envious caregiver and so they felt that their position was being compromised if any one were to shine or take the limelight. And due to them not dealing with their own issues, they were acted upon in a destructive manner.

There may have been a general unhappiness that permeated ones whole family. So it was not based on a certain occurrence or a one of event, but a way of life. And one had no other choice or even the understanding that life could be any other way.

Awareness

Ones childhood may have taken place a long time ago and yet these early experiences can dictate so much of one’s adult life. As a child, one may have only felt safe if they were unhappy and as an adult, this no longer has to be the case.

But although one has moved on from those times, the ego mind can still perceive life in the same way. This will mean that certain associations and the emotions that are attached to them will have to be released. The help of a therapist, coach, healer or a trusted friend can assist in this process.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

32 Comments

purple

6/8/2013 09:05:25 am

I felt guilty for being happy because I was afraid of people's judgments. I have never wanted to get married or have children and my greatest joy in life has been my career. However, I felt guilty for enjoying it so much as well as enjoying my freedom from committments. It was due to the fact that my mother always used to criticize me negatively and accusing me of this and that-. I really never remember getting a positive feedback from her whatever I did. I guess it was her way to make the best of me, however, she failed. As a result, I used to feel that I deserved the worst. I always wanted to please others, I necver said no to no one. Or if I did I felt extremely guilty and shamed. Whatever happened I considered myself to be guilty of. Any suggestions?

Oliver J R Cooper link

6/8/2013 09:19:31 am

Hello Purple,

from your comment you have referred to your guilt in the past tense and have said you felt guilty. So from that I assumed that it is no longer a challenge anymore and wondered what area you would like suggestions on?

All the best,

Oliver

Qukis

16/9/2013 06:07:39 am

Thank you for your advice, Oliver.

Ronald Byrd

12/7/2017 04:11:49 pm

Oliver,
Growing up I was treated by my care giver as nasty or dirty, I was never able to sit with the family at the dinning room table or watch tv with the family and at one point in my life I had to bath out of a five gallon bucket and use the restroom outside . I am an adult now and being happy with who I am and what I am is a challenge every day of my life. I am 52 and It is my dream to be that happy little boy that I was supposed to have been along time ago

14/9/2013 11:31:57 am

Yes, that's exactly my situation, too. And I find it so hard now to change the way I feel. And I would like an advice as well. How do I change all those tapes that are playing in my head every time I make a move? I get a feeling that I deserve less than everyone else, and feel anxious in everyday life situations because of fear that someone wouldn't be pleased with my behavior. It is very energy consuming and I'm under stress all the time.

I know this is irrational, but the way I was always criticized by my mother, or how my feelings were ignored, or that I've been blamed for things that were my parents' responsibilities, it all plays back in my head and I just cannot convince myself otherwise.

It was the norm for me to feel unhappy as a child because if I'd say anything, they would tell me that they're having it more difficult than me, that I should be thankful and if they were angry, they would tell me hatefully that I'm very spoiled and a bad person.

So how do I stop hating myself now, how do I externalize those feelings that I have internalized before, are there any exercises, I'm willing to do anything it takes, because of all the pain I can hardly live with anymore.

16/9/2013 05:02:01 am

Hello Qukis,

it sounds like you have a lot going on. My general advice to you would be: find a therapist or a healer to help you get int touch with your trapped feelings and emotions and to gradually release them.

And these are released from your body, your mind will begin to settle. Find someone who understands your challenges and who you feel safe with and trust.

All the best,

Oliver

Katrina

5/12/2014 12:23:59 am

That's amazing. I am exactly the same way. I have battled guilt. I was in a badly abusive relationship. My parents just the same desired for my perfection and we're very strict. I feel that it wasn't just the strict discipline, but the fact it was coupled with no real feeling of emotional love, support or positive reinforcement for good behaviors. I am in a wonderful relationship now but still find myself pushing to tell my opinion when I am hurt by something. Ultimately I don't feel worthy of not being hurt. I think it is like a habit. Unfortunately my habit is Guilt and hurt. Happiness or standing up for myself is difficult. For me knowledge is the key. Today is the first time I understand why I feel this way. Now when I have the feeling I can stop... Identify it... Tell myself why I feel that way and that I don't have to but instead I could feel a different way... It takes time but this self talk has freed me from many other things.
Thanks for the article. And thanks for your comment :)

Clare

8/9/2013 05:43:40 am

Last year both my husband and my beloved step-father died, within 4 months of eachother. Within months, I sold my home and my business and started over in life, at the age of 70. The entire process was depressing beyond description.
Today, I feel honest, true happiness for the first time in many years. I also feel guilt that I survived both my husband and my dad, whom I miss deeply.
But, I do believe that I am deserving of some happiness in life, as I've always been the one to provide for others what they needed and wanted most in life. I feel I have earned the right to find some happiness in what remains of my life, so I am working on putting the guilt aside and just owning the joy that I now have. Life is good, though we often must walk barefooted over hot coals from time to time. I've long known that I am a survivor, and I am grateful for that ability to overcome major obstacles.
Thank you for the thought-provoking article...it did me good to read it.

8/9/2013 11:02:25 am

Hello Clare,

it sounds like you have been through a lot and showed great inner strength to handle what took place. I definitely believe you are deserving happiness in your life and as much as you can handle.

And your welcome, thank you for your comment.

All the best,

Oliver

Janet F

17/9/2013 10:18:33 am

I definitely deal with a ton of this. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt when I celebrate or am happy or indulge in anything. I too had a very very irrational childhood. I was taught that work was the end all of things, that rest and R&R is ethically wrong, as there are many suffering people out there. I was also taught that there was something wrong with me because I was so sensitive to emotions and was only compounded by my being a prophethic/empathic child. There is a ton of rejection issues I deal with. On top of this, I have been homeless and have had an incredibly hard life in the last few years. Yet even now, with God helping me to get back on my feet, it feels wrong to give myself any credit. He did it all. WIthout God/fate, I would never have survived. I was essentially a lost cause.

I see life radically different than others I have learned, so I am constantly alone. Rejection is such a sore point of heart with me, that I have often spent years being a recluse, as it meant I would not have to feel the rejection of others for a while. Almost like I have to recharge before I can face people and life.

On top of this, I just learned I have a cognitive disability that affects me hearing, which is creating even more identity barriers and brokenness.

Needless to say, I can't even remember the last time I was happy, and didn't feel guilty. I have prayed, gone to counseling, but the more I dig into my issues, the more there seem to be. It's overwhelming. There are so many mornings I wake up and just want to stay in bed. My life keeps ticking along, grace in tow, but I am rarely happy. If I want to celebrate, I am too poor to be able to afford it. There are mornings I wonder why I even got out of bed.

Sorry for the rant... just thought your post was interesting. I wish I could find someone who could really help me.

17/9/2013 10:47:25 am

Hello Janet,

there is no need to apologize, you have been through a lot. I sense you carry a lot of meoitonal pain.

I wrote an article called - Sensitive: Can Trapped Emotions Cause Someone To Be Overly Sensitive? And that is on the emotional Intelligence category, that might assist you.

My general advice would be to keep going and to find a therapist or a healer who will allow you face and release the emotions and feelings that have remained trapped within you.

And feel free to contact me directly through the contact page and I will give you the best advice that I can.

All the best,

Oliver

abhinandan

15/7/2015 07:48:53 pm

isnt love and belonging as improtant as accomplishment.
thus if i am denied love ,,,if i accomplish ,,,then I dont want to accomplish... one way to deal with this would be is trying to be defensive/make everybody wrong......but that also costs a lot of peace.
is there any way to perform and disregard people's jealousy??

16/7/2015 03:00:48 am

Hello Abhinandan,

I would say they are just as important.

One way is to surround yourself with people who support you for being you. That way it will be easier for you to accomplish what you want to accomplish.

Oliver

Dara

4/8/2015 08:10:55 pm

I feel guilty when I am happy and i think its because I feel as if I don't deserve to be happy? Like there are other more important things to do than feel happy and I should do them then allow myself to be happy. When I am happy it only occurs for a second and then my mind tells me I don't deserve happiness and that I am not worth it. I haven't felt happiness without the underlying guilt that comes with it for years now and I'm at loss at what to do. All I ever feel is stress and guilt over nothing. I don't know why.

5/8/2015 02:59:04 am

Hello Dara,

it sound as though you have a good awareness of what is taking place. I would suggest that you reach out for support from a therapist or someone similar.

All the best,

Oliver

Ash

29/11/2017 08:34:09 am

I feel the exact same way! I'll be happy for a while and then I realise that I'm happy and then guilt starts to drill into my mind even though I know it's happening I can't stop it! Sometimes it gets really bad, sometimes I go days isolating myself from people because I feel bad that they have to in my presence.
Do you get this?

Student

3/12/2015 06:52:37 am

Glad I found this article, it helped she'd some light on this confusing issue.. I did not even think such a thing as being guilty for feeling haply was possible, but I didn't realize how much of my life was the way it is because I've been unconsciously doing it.

3/12/2015 09:58:47 am

Hello,

thank you for your feedback, I'm pleased to hear that it has made a difference,

All the best,

Oliver

jill

27/12/2015 01:30:16 am

I am my own worst enemy! Self sabotage. I went on antidepressants on my physician's advice. Less than 30 days later, a coworker made the comment that I seemed "happier". I immediately felt guilty and resentful of my own happiness. Have not taken antidepressants since then. Sometimes the evil you know is more comforting than being "happy".

27/12/2015 02:08:25 am

Hello Jill,

thanks for your comment.

It sounds like it would be a good idea for you to take a closer look at this with the assistance of a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Jill

27/12/2015 05:25:45 pm

I honestly believe I am beyond help. I have dealt with depression since childhood. I was the victim of terrible bullying throughout my required education and negative feelings about the value of myself was drilled in at an early age. My mom was always my rock. She knew when to listen, when to give advice, and when to kick me in the a$$ and tell me to straighten up. With her passing in 2014, my grief was the reason I gave antidepressants a try. As it turned out, being "happy" (to me) meant that somehow I didn't love or miss her as much as I should. I know this is completely irrational thinking, but fear makes you do illogical things. I say this because, believe it or not, there is still a very rational side of me. But being unhappy is just what I have known for so long that experiencing life in any other light is actually frightening.

27/12/2015 05:30:43 pm

Hello Jill,

thank you for sharing that.

This is something I wrote about here - http://www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/loss-can-the-need-to-be-loyal-cause-someone-to-get-stuck-in-the-grieving-process

I believe you can be helped, but you must reach out for the right support.

All the best,

Oliver

Hiba

27/1/2016 02:31:13 pm

Hello and thank you for this article, i always felt guilty for being happy or because my life was easier than others, i feel guilty when i am happy while the others (family members or close friends) are not, i can't be happy and my closest friend feels bad or miserable so i end up feeling the same: bad mood depressed and angry

27/1/2016 06:42:45 pm

Hello Hiba,

thank you for your comment.

You realise what is taking place and that is an important step. The next step would be for you to reach out for support so that you no longer experience life in this way.

All the best,

Oliver

Lysithea

12/3/2016 12:55:51 pm

Informative article, thanks for sharing.
I'm currently in my final year of high school, and most of my friends already applied to universities and colleges. I chose not to apply first, as I'm my family's economic condition isn't really stable for the time being. I chose to take lots of different courses like music, art and cooking/baking, while working part-time because that's what I like. As my academic performance isn't that satisfying, I didn't dare to apply for scholarships. However, my family and friends kept on pressuring me and telling me that I will not survive if I've got no diploma. I mean, I'm planning to continue my studies but I want to take everything slowly. Sometimes when I'm doing things I enjoy, I would suddenly feel down and really guilty for disappointing my beloved ones.

22/3/2016 01:35:28 pm

Hello Lysithea,

thanks for getting in touch.

You're aware of your own needs, and that is a good thing.

Do what you can to stay true to yourself.

All the best,

Oliver

Jimmy

25/7/2016 02:28:01 pm

Dear Oliver,

Thank you for your articulate and insightful article. My happiness was often invalidated in my early childhood because of other family members' cancer, alcoholism, suicide, religious guilt, etc. and as I move forward happily with my life, they seem angry or upset at my improving mood, especially since I began seeing a counselor several years ago. But I do believe all people can change for the better, and trying to convince them to pursue help on their own seems like it is beginning to work.

30/7/2016 10:33:10 am

Hello Jimmy,

thank you for your feedback, it is good to hear about your progress.

All the best,

Olver

Lori bansemer link

12/5/2017 07:07:07 pm

Makes alot of sense , very logical like there should be a logical answer ....but feelings take over in a way that has no control not initially and it kicks you so hard that making sense if it just doesn't help knowing it'll happen again you don't know when or what will trigger it , even the smallest thing and you just can't stop it ... knowledge , faith , hope, to live.

13/5/2017 09:25:07 am

Hello Lori,

thank you for your comment.

If this is a challenge for you, you could reach out for external support.

All the best,

Oliver

Tara

26/11/2017 10:58:01 am

I don't remember ever feeling truly happy although I think I've had glimpses of happiness. And I honestly feel that if I'm happy it will only be fleeting as it has always been, so I suppress being happy and I act as my own prison guard. Meaning I try not to form new connections and I act like a recluse. I was molested as a child and it took years of internal work to release the anger and build confidence. Finally at a point of feeling happy I was raped by my very first boyfriend and when I asked for support I wasn't given any. Since then I've been raped 5 more times under very different circumstances over the last 10 years. Each time I rebuilt my self, learned self defence etc. Each time it happened was when I had rebuilt myself and tried with humanity again. I've been seeing counsellors now since 2012 with little progress, feel incredibly guilty to feel happy or good because that's just been followed by greater pain, and I wonder why with life because it doesn't feel safe to be happy

26/11/2017 01:54:47 pm

Hello Tara,

thanks you for your comment.

So the counselling you have been having is not doing much good. Perhaps it would be better for you to work with someone who does some kind of body work, as you could be carrying trauma.

Something called Total Release Experience (TRE) might help with this.

All the best,

Oliver

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