Help: Can Toxic Shame Stop Someone From Asking For Help?

If one was to buy a new bed and their bedroom was upstairs, they may find that need someone to help them to take it there. Yet even if the bed hasn’t been built, they may still find that it is too heavy for them to lift by themselves.

It will then be normal for them to ask someone to help them lift the bed upstairs. They could end up asking someone they live with, or they could ask someone they know.

On The Other Hand

However, while there are going to be people who will reach out for help, there are going to be others who will end up trying to do it by themselves. As a result of this, it will be normal for them to struggle and strain.

This could mean that they will end up damaging a few walls in the process and they could even harm themselves. But this could be something that they are prepared to put up with; they could believe that this is small price to pay.

One Outlook

If they were to tell someone else about what has happened, they might be told that they are very independent. The other person could say that are an example of how to live, and this could be a sign that they look up to them.

And while this kind of behaviour could be a one off; it could also be way of life for therm. The idea other people have of them could then be that they are their own island and that they don’t need others.

Independent

If the people that they associate were to have this outlook, it could be said that it is not much of a surprise. In today’s world, being independent is often seen as the ideal, and if someone is not independent, they are often seen as dependent.

Based on this, one is either able to support themselves and do everything on their own, or they are unable to support themselves and they need other people to do everything for them. And when these two options are seen as the only ones available, it is clear to see why being independent is often seen as the ideal.

A Deeper Look

Yet even though one can believe that they are independent and that they don’t need others, this is nothing more than an illusion. No matter how capable one becomes, they are still going to need other people.

This is simply part of life and not something that one should feel bad about. So although one is interdependent, it doesn’t mean that they are able to accept this; it can be normal for them to do everything they can to deny it.

Denial

They are then going to be in a position where they are unable to embrace the fact that they are not their own island and that they need other people in order to survive and thrive. If they were to come across people that need help from others, they could see them as being weak or incapable.

Along with this, they could also have moments where they resent the people who do get help from others. But even though they feel this way from time to time, it doesn’t mean that they will allow this inner experience to stay around; it could soon be pushed out of their conscious awareness.

Another Outlook

And even though they could have people around them who are the same as them or who want to be the same, they could also have people around them who are different. These people could wonder why they are like they are.

Along with this, they could also say that if they ever need any help, they are there to help them. But as long as one has the need to do everything by themselves, it is not going to be a challenge for them to accept their support.

Alternatively

However, even though there will be people who see themselves as being independent, there are going to be others who see themselves differently. They could realise that they need others, but it might not be possible for them to ask for help.

On one side, they will be able to see that they need help, and on the other side, they might wonder why anyone would want to help them. In this sense, it could be said that they believe that their needs are a burden.

A Burden

Not only will they believe that their needs are a burden to others, they could also believe that they are a burden to themselves, and it is then going to be necessary for them to hide them. It will then be imperative for them to hide them from others and they may also do the best they can to hide them from themselves.

Abnormal

So regardless of whether one believes that they don’t need help or whether they realise they do, it could be said that they are not comfortable with their own needs. And as human beings are interdependent, there is no reason why one should feel uncomfortable with having needs.

For example, one will realise that they need to breathe and they won’t feel uncomfortable with this need. If they did feel uncomfortable with it and stopped themselves from breathing, their life would soon come to an end.

Toxic Shame

When one can’t ask for help, their life may not come to an end, but what it is likely to mean is that they will suffer in one way or another. And while it is abnormal for them to feel uncomfortable with their needs, there is going to be a reason why they feel this way.

While this could be due to what has happened in their adult years, there is a greater chance it is because of what took place during their childhood. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected.
This would have set them feel as though they are completely worthless and that they are less-than human. And instead of having healthy shame, they would have end up with toxic shame.

Expected

So through feeling as though they are inherently flawed, it is to be expected that they won’t feel comfortable with their needs. After all, if they are worthless why would anyone want to help them?

However, even though they were treated this way, it doesn’t mean that they deserved to be treated in this way. Ultimately, it is nothing more than a reflection of how their caregivers saw themselves, and this may mean that they were also treated in the same way by their caregivers.

Awareness

If one can relate to his, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this could be from a therapist and/or a support group. This could be a time where one will be grieving their unmet childhood needs, as well as processing the toxic shame that is trapped within them.
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During this time, one will also receive the positive regard that they need in order to realise that there is nothing wrong them. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/