Over the years I have heard people say that they want to be with someone who will make them look good. Additionally, there have been people who have wanted to take their partner out to “show them off”.
There have even been moments in my own life when I have thought that being with woman made me look good. It was as though being with her increased my value, causing other people to see me in a different light.
For a number of years now, I have thought about how the desire to be with a woman who would make me look good came from my need for approval. Not only did I want the approval of women, I also wanted it from men.
This was the result of the wounds I carried in relation to my mother as well as my father. Through working through these wounds, I gradually came to the conclusion that what mattered was that I was with a woman who I wanted to be with.
What also became clear was that, when I was primarily focused on how I would look and the effect it would have on how I felt about myself, I was a sign that I wasn’t emotionally available. My primary need was approval; it wasn’t to experience intimacy.
I was living on the surface of myself, and this meant that I was out of touch with my deeper needs. Ultimately, they were the needs of my false-self, and these could be seen as ego needs.
Living on the Surface
With this in mind, if someone wants to be with someone who will make them look good, there is a strong chance that they are also emotionally unavailable. By being out of touch with their true-self, they will have a strong need for approval.
It then won’t matter how physically attractive they are or how much money they earn, for instance, as they will feel empty deep down. As a result of being out of touch with their own inner wholeness, they will look towards others to give them what they believe they lack.
It will be important for them to wear a mask at all times, to stop other people from seeing the side of them that they feel they have to cover up. Being with someone who will make them look good will make it easier for them to hide this part of themselves.
This is similar to how someone can wear all kinds of designer labels and jewellery to increase their value. Thus, being with someone who is perceived as valuable in the eyes of others will be a way for them to keep how they truly feel about themselves at bay.
There is likely to have been a time in their life when they were made to feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them. This could mean that they were verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused.
This would have caused them to create certain beliefs and to experience a lot of emotional pain. It is then going to be a case of getting in touch with how they feel in their body and feeling completely worthless, or disconnecting from their body and using people and things to make themselves feel better.
In order for someone to connect to their own inherent value, they will need to let go of the baggage that they are carrying. This is not something that is going to happen overnight, but it will happen over time.
The key will be for them to be patient and to keep going, no matter what comes up or how long it takes. In addition to the work that they can do on themselves; they may need to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.