Individuation: Can Childhood Trauma Stop Someone From Individuating?

Although someone will be physically separate from others, it doesn’t mean that they will be emotionally separate from them. What this means is that they may find that their emotional state is typically defined by what is going on around them.

Therefore, if they are in a relationship and their partner is happy, they could be happy. If on the other hand, their partner is sad, they could also end up feeling sad.

A Big Difference

Now, one way of looking at this would be to say that this will show that they have empathy and are simply tuning into their partner's world. This might look like empathy on the surface but what it will show is that they lack boundaries.

Being able to tune into another person’s emotional state is a key part of being able to have fulfilling relationships, but this is radically different from merging with another person’s emotional state. When this takes place, one will lose themselves and take on the other person’s mood.

Another Aspect

Additionally, one could find that they are happy to go along with whatever their partner wants, acting as though they are merely an extension of them. Their partner, not themselves, is then going to be the centre of their world.

Making sure that their partner’s needs are met and that they are happy will be their priority. The thought of losing their partner and being by themselves could fill them with fear and even terror.

Another Experience

Yet, even if they are single, the dynamic could be very similar when it comes to their friends and family. Once again, their priority could be to be there for these people and to make sure that they are fine.

These people could view one as being a selfless human being, causing them to receive a lot of approval. One could even be seen as a model citizen, someone who others should aspire to be like.

Their Career

When it comes to what they do for a living, this could be something that they just ‘fell into’ as opposed to something that they chose to do. But even if they did choose to do it, it could only be because it allows them to play a role that feels comfortable

For example, if their early years were a time when they were always there for others, creating the impression that they had no needs, they could now be a carer or a nurse. They will now get paid for what they do but what they do will allow them to play out their early years all over again.

Other Parts

If they were to make a list of what it is what they fear, they could find that most, if not all, of these fears were things that their caregivers feared. This could also be the case when it comes to what they believe and what their views are.

There will also be the impact that the education system and the mainstream media have had on what they believe and the views that they have. One could then see themselves as their own person, yet they will be anything but.

One Big Act

Ultimately, their life will be one big act, due to the fact that they don’t have a strong connection to themselves. They will live on the surface of themselves and their life will be a reflection of who others want them to be and who they think they want them to be.

The question is: why would someone not be emotionally separate from others and act as an extension of others? What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were a time when they didn’t receive what they needed to be able to go through each developmental stage.

Developmentally Stuck

This would have meant that their physical body would have developed, and even their intellect as time went by, but their emotional self wouldn’t have developed. Not only this, due to what they experienced at this stage of their life, they may have had to completely disconnect from this part of them and to develop a false-self in the process.

Perhaps this was a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, with this being something that they experienced on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Quite simply, the care that they needed to emotionally separate from their caregivers wouldn’t have been provided, causing them to stay in an emotionally dependent and boundary-less state.

A Key Ingredient

Further, thanks to what they went through, they would have most likely lost touch with their fight instinct or aggression. This energy would have played a part in their desire to break away and to assert their own individuality.

Without this, their desire to break away and to live their own life would have more or less been taken away. Going along to get along will be a natural outcome of being estranged from this deeper instinct.

Keeping the Lid On

Through being out of touch from their true-self, it is not going to be possible for them to experience true fulfilment. The positive feedback that they receive from others, along with the ways that they distract themselves, may allow them to keep their true feelings at bay – at least until their later years or until they suffer some kind of loss.

The trouble is that some of the emotional pain that they experienced during their early years will probably come to the surface if they listen to themselves and end up behaving differently. This is why it will be hard for them to draw the line and to finally act like an individual.

Awareness
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If one can relate to this, and they are ready to start the individuation process, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk