Naturally, if someone is carrying a deeply wounded infant inside them, it is going to be a challenge for them to fulfil their adult needs. In a lot of cases, this part of them is going to stop them from having what they truly desire.
However, although this is what will be taking place, they can be completely oblivious as to what is going on. As a result of this, they can believe that what is going on externally is holding them back.
So, they can have the desire to be in an intimate relationship but they might not have been able to get very far. They might not have been able to fulfil their need to be in a relationship.
Then again, they might have been able to have at least one but it ended just as the relationship started to get serious. If they were to think about this area of their life, they could experience a fair amount of anger and frustration.
They could also have a number of people in their life who are somewhat controlling. This will go against how they want their relationships to be and they can believe that there is nothing that they can do.
What can support this view is that they may have cut their ties with certain people in the past, only to end up in the same position all over again. This will be another area of their life that is anything but fulfilling.
As for their job, they could do something that doesn’t fulfil them but they might not have been able to find a more suitable one. Over the years, they may have put in a lot of work when it comes to finding a better job.
But, regardless of how much effort they have put in, they won’t have been able to make progress. Then again, they may have changed jobs a number of times and simply ended up being no better off each time.
The Way Out
At this point, they might be sick and tired of doing so much and getting very little in return and they could feel pretty helpless. And, until what is going on out there changes, they are just going to have to put up with what is going on.
To use an analogy: it will be as if they are slowly being cooked and they will hope that the gas is turned off before long. Ultimately, they will have suffered long enough and they will be desperate for their life to change.
A Closer Look
Now, if it was put forward to them that the reason they are unable to have what they desire is because of what is taking place inside them, they could say that this is nonsense, or something similar. They could say that this is simply not possible as they are clear about what they desire and have been trying so hard to attain it.
Even so, what they will need to acknowledge is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. Therefore, even though part of them will want one thing, another, stronger part of them can want something else entirely.
Nonetheless, as they haven’t been aware of this other part of them, it will seem as if what is going on externally is the issue. In reality, what is going on externally will be an externalisation of what is going on internally.
What this means is that there is no one or no thing out there that is truly holding them back. This other part of them will be like a roadblock that is preventing them from reaching their desired destination.
This other part of them that is holding them back is not going to be holding them back on purpose, though; it will simply be doing its best to keep them alive. To this part of them, experiencing intimacy, having friends who are not controlling and having a job/career that is fulfilling can be seen as something that would cause them to die.
This part of them can be a deeply wounded infant and it will show that their formative years were not very nurturing. This is likely to have been a time when they were regularly left and when they were given attention, it is likely to have largely been misattuned care.
A Brutal Time
Being deprived of the nutrients that they needed would have deeply traumatised them and caused them to stay in a developmentally stunted state. As they were powerless and totally dependent, their only option was to automatically repress how they felt and to go into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.
They would have felt terrified, abandoned, alone and helpless when they were left and they would have felt terrified, smothered, trapped and helpless when they were given attention, and the latter will be what has the biggest impact on their life. This is why they won’t have been able to truly fulfil their need to experience intimacy.
A Natural Outcome
Being around people who are controlling will stop them from feeling abandoned and alone. When it comes to their job, this will serve the same purpose and they won’t have access to the inner support that they need.
They were not supported very early on, so now that they are an adult this will be seen as something that will only take place if there are there for others and neglect themselves. For them to become a more integrated human being and for their life to change, they will need to face and work through the pain that their infant parts are carrying.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.