What can be normal is for someone to feel all at sea internally or to be in a shut down state and unable to feel anything. Experiencing life in this way is likely to make it hard for them to appreciate their time on this planet.
Due to how unstable they often feel, then, their need to feel stable could just about consume their life. As a result of this, a number of their needs are likely to end up being overlooked.
So, they could have the tendency to please others and to be a non-entity in the process. On one side, this will stop them from being able to freely express themselves, but, on the other side, this will keep their fear of being left at bay.
This will be a clear example of how a ‘lower’ need will cause them to deny a ‘higher’ need. And, if they have been this way for a very long time, they might not even realise that they are hiding themselves in order to try to keep other people around.
Not only will who they are rarely see the light of day but a number of their feelings are also likely to be hidden from them. By pleasing others and ignoring themselves they are likely to experience a fair amount of anger and resentment.
Yet, in general, these feelings might soon be pushed out of their conscious awareness. They will be there to let them know that they are not living in the right way but as their need to survive is going to be stronger than their need to express themselves, they won’t be able to make use of them.
And, as things stand, expressing themselves will be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and left, and this is going to be something that would overwhelm them. It would then be as if their life is going to come to an end.
Thus, as bleak as it will be for them to hide themselves around others, it is going to be seen, deep down, as their only way to survive. Considering this, it would be accurate to say that they will just be going through the motions and won’t be truly living.
If they are in a relationship and this was to come to an end, they could end up having a very rough time. The external stability that this person provided them will have been taken away, causing them to be deeply unsettled.
To handle this, they could soon end up getting into another relationship. But, thanks to how unstable they are and how another person is seen as the main way for them to settle down, they might not take the time to find out if another person is actually right for them.
Consequently, they could end up in a relationship that is extremely dysfunctional if not abusive. There is a chance that their last relationship was no different, meaning that they will be with another person but their experience will be the same.
However, as they feel so unstable when they are by themselves and need to be with another person to settle down, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Ultimately, they won’t believe that they have a choice and will feel powerless.
Irrespective of if they are or are not in an unhealthy relationship, if they were to get to a point where they were able to reflect on their life, they could wonder why they are this way. After looking back on their life, they could see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.
They could feel angry and sad about how abandoning themselves has been and is seen as their only option. Most likely, what took place during their early years prevented them from developing inner security.
Back In Time
From the moment they were born, they might have been deprived of the care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would have deeply traumatised them and caused them to go into a disconnected and shut down state.
As they were dependent and totally powerless, they were unable to do anything about what was going on externally and had to adapt. This would have put their underdeveloped brain and nervous system under a lot of stress.
The Fall Out
Now that they are an adult, there will be the pain and arousal that they are carrying and they will have a brain and nervous system that is likely to be ‘wired’ differently. For them to start to develop inner security and settle down and even ‘rewire’ their brain and nervous system, they will probably need to work through the pain and arousal that is inside them.
This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.