Inner Security: Can Someone Be Consumed By Their Need To Feel Secure If They Experienced Developmental Trauma?
If someone was able to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might soon stand out is that they spend a lot of time trying to settle themselves down. This is going to show that they find it hard to feel at ease.
But, even if this is not something that they are aware of, what is taking place inside them is still going to define their life. It might be hard, at this point, to accept that someone could live in this way and not be aware of it.
A Way of Life
However, if this is what is normal, there is going to be no reason for it to stand out. Furthermore, if they spend a lot of time trying to feel stable, they are rarely if ever going to experience how they really feel.
Like a toy that has been wound up, then, they can practically always be on the go. As with someone who is trying to attain the gold at the end of a rainbow, they will also be trying to attain something that can be found ‘out there’ – stability.
Still, this is not to say that material objects, money and even a relationship won’t allow them to feel more stable. What it comes down to is that this type of stability can be taken away at any moment.
Therefore, as stable as they might feel having a certain amount of money, a house or being in a relationship, for instance, each of these could soon be taken away. As a result of this, they would soon end up being connected to what is really going on for them and feel all at sea.
Stuck On a Treadmill
And, thanks to how insecure they feel, it might not matter what they attain or how secure their relationship or relationships may be. The tension that is inside them can give them an endless drive to acquire more and to make their relationship or relationships even more secure.
Living in this way, over time, is likely to wear them down and they might arrive at a stage where they no longer have the energy to live in this way. The trouble is that if this was to happen, they are likely to soon come into contact with a lot of tension.
In the Meantime
Before that, happens, though, being so caught up in their need to attain more is going to cause them to neglect their other needs. So, they might rarely relax or allow themselves to simply have fun.
Also, they could end up pushing people away due to how controlling or possessive they might be. Their partner, if they are in an intimate relationship, could find them controlling and need to get away.
Up And Down
Every now and then, they could end up being single, feel unstable and end up looking for another person to be with. They might have often been with people who were not right for them, out of their need to avoid being alone.
If so, they might have been in a number of relationships that were dysfunctional if not abusive. Naturally, it is going to be difficult for them to find a suitable partner when their need to feel secure is so strong.
The Complete Opposite
Taking all this into account, even if they do appear to have it all together and are seen as being successful by some people, this is not going to reflect the truth. Their kingdom won’t have firm foundations; it will be built on sand.
Now, if they have become aware of how they live their life, they could wonder why they feel so unstable. What might enter their mind, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, is that they were just born this way.
A Deeper Look
What this may show is that their developmental years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Practically, from the moment they were born, they may have been left and, when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care.
Consequently, they would have been deeply traumatised when they were left and when they were given attention. This would have caused them to experience a lot of pain and go into a shut down and disconnected state.
Many, many years will have passed but their brain and body will be carrying the pain and arousal that their brain automatically repressed all those years ago in order to allow them to survive. This is why they are unable to feel at ease; their nervous system will be loaded up and unable to function properly.
Working through this pain and arousal will take courage and patience and persistence. This is because it won’t be easy and it won’t be something that happens overnight.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.