If someone was to think about the relationships that they have been in, they may find that they have generally not been very nurturing or full of love. In most of their relationships, they may have experienced a lot of pain and might not have been long before they felt the need to cut their ties with the other person.
This could be because they have been with a number of people who lacked boundaries and ended up walking over them. Due to this, they are likely to have felt violated and smothered, among other things.
If the person they were with acted one way in the beginning, as time passed, they would have acted in another way. At the same time, they may see that there were signs more or less right from the outset that the other person was not right for them.
As a result of this, they might now be reluctant to take things further with anyone; preferring to keep their distance. Even so, this won’t allow them to fulfil their need to experience a deeper connection with another human being.
If they were to think about why their life is this way, they could believe that they are just unlucky. What is going on ‘out there’ will then be the issue and they will have to wait until their luck changes.
Naturally, being this way is not going to allow them to feel empowered and then to change their life. Instead, it will cause them to feel as though their life is out of their hands and perhaps to passively wait around until their life changes.
If it was put forward to them that they are playing a part in what is taking place in this area of their life, they could end up dismissing what has been said. As far as they are concerned, they will want to be in a healthy relationship.
Thus, it simply won’t be possible that they are playing a part in what is going on. Based on this, they will just randomly be drawn to people who are not good for them and will be a powerless victim.
If they were to dismiss this view, it will be necessary for them to accept that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. What this means is that their life is not purely a reflection of what is taking place in one part of their being; it is also a reflection of what is taking place in another.
Without knowing this, it will be normal for them to see themselves as nothing more than an observer of their reality as opposed to a co-creator of it. The challenge is that the former is likely to be a view that is seen as the truth in their society, which can make it even harder for them to see through this illusion.
Taking into account what is taking place in this area of their life, it is likely that, at a deeper level, human contact is not seen as something that is very positive. In fact, it is likely to be seen as something that is harmful.
With this understanding in place, they will be able to see that their experiences are a reflection of what is taking place for them. But, if they don’t have this understanding, let alone access to what is taking place in another part of their being, they won’t be able to see the connection.
What’s going on?
If one was to accept that their relationships have been mirroring back what is taking place inside them, they could wonder why they don't have a healthy view of human contact. Is so, this is likely to illustrate that they have blocked out most if not all of what took place during their early years.
This is not something that they will have consciously chosen to do; it will have taken place automatically to protect them from pain. Thanks to the defences that they have in place, the information that would shed light on why this area of their life is the way it is will be hidden from them.
Back In Time
This stage of their life might not have been very nurturing, with them being abused and/or neglected on a regular basis. The caregiver or caregivers who brought them up wouldn’t have given them the love, care and support that they needed to grow and develop.
Throughout this time, they would have often felt smothered, trapped, humiliated, walked over and violated. These experiences would have played a big part in what they believe a relationship is like and how it would be if they were to get close to another person.
These experiences would have been painful but they would have ended up being associated with what was familiar and therefore, what was safe. The pain that they experienced would have been repressed and they would have gradually forgotten most if not all of what happened but a big part of them would want to re-experience what took place all those years ago.
To draw the line on all this, it will be necessary for them to question what they believe and the associations that were formed. Also, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through, with this being pain that was experienced through not having their developmental needs met.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.