While there are some people who are able to experience intimacy, there are others who are unable to do so. As a result of this, it could be said that that their relationships are going to be extremely different.
When it comes to the former, someone will be used to being with people who they can share every part of themselves with. This could be what is normal and how their life has been for as long as they can remember.
The Other Side
However, when it comes to the latter, someone will be used to holding parts of themselves back when they are around others. And just like the person above, this could also be what is normal and how their life has always been.
It would be easy to assume that they are always single, but this is not necessarily going to be the case. Instead, they could have relationships with others where they only share certain parts of themselves.
At A Distance
In this case, one is likely to share their mind and their body, but that will be as far as it will go. Their heart and what is taking place at an emotional will then be put to one side, and they are not going to allow anyone to get too close to them.
Even so, they could believe that this is how a relationship should be, and the people around them could also have a similar outlook. This is partly because the people one surrounds themselves with are likely to experience life in the same way.
There is then going to be no reason for these people to say that one fears intimacy and this can cause one to carry on behaving in the same way. Whereas if they did experience life differently, they might be able to see what is taking place and give one the support that they need to change their life.
Having said that, some of the people may act as though they don’t fear intimacy, and one can then end up being criticised by them. One can then end up feeling ashamed and some of the people around them can end up believing that they are superior.
What this is likely to show is that they are out of touch with their own fear of intimacy, and this is why they experience a strong reaction when they come into contact with someone who has the same fear. The part of themselves that they hare disowned is then what they judge in others.
For example, they could have relationships with others but they might keep them at a distance, or they could see people behind their back. On the surface it can then look as though they are comfortable with intimacy and yet this is going to be nothing more than an illusion.
However, if one doesn’t have relationships where they only share certain parts of themselves, it could mean that they only share their body with them. When this takes place, one could be used to spending only a night with someone.
Or if this doesn’t happen, they might have someone like this in their life that they see on a regular basis. In fact, they might have a number of people like this in their life, and this could be something that has taken place for a number of years.
An Important Need
Yet even though experiencing life in this way is going to be what feels comfortable, it is not going to be possible for them to remove their need to get closer to others. Therefore, keeping people at a distance will stop them from experiencing pain on one hand, and it will cause them to experience pain on the other.
There is a strong chance that one will only change when they can no longer bear the pain of keeping people at a distance. They can then be willing to put up with the pain that they will experience by getting close to them.
The next step might then be for them to look for information on how they can let go of their fear of intimacy. This could be a time where one is told that they simply need to change their behaviour and to push through the pain that arises.
Through doing this, they will then be able to finally experience deeper connections with others. There is the chance that this approach may work and one will then able to gradually move forward in life.
Alternatively, one could find that this just causes them to be overwhelmed, and they could end up coming into contact with people who are not very open. This can then mean that one will end up feeling traumatised and it could set them up to believe that they can’t change their life.
It can then be important for one to deal with the trauma that is within them as opposed to simply changing their behaviour. Also, the pain in one’s body may stop them from being able to open up, and this can then mean that it won’t matter how they behave as they won’t be able to receive.
A Deeper Look
One way of looking at thus would be to say that the approach one needs to take can all depend on why they fear intimacy. If, for example, it is due to what has happened in their adult years or the result of what place after their formative years, it might be enough for them to focus on their mind and to change their behaviour.
Yet if it relates to what happened during their formative years, they may need to focus on their body. This is because they may have experienced developmental trauma, and it will then be pointless for them focus purely on their mind and to change their behaviour.
They will be carrying a lot of trauma in their body, and until this is dealt with, it is going to be a challenge for them to open up. Keeping people at a distance will then be a matter of survival and not something they can just let go of.
If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they may need to reach out for the support of a therapist. During this time, they will probably need to engage in some kind of bodywork.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.