Intimacy: Can Someone Pathologize Themselves If They Have A Fear Of Intimacy?

Although someone has the need to experience both physical and emotional closeness with another, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable fulfilling this need. This could be something that is only an issue when it comes to being in a romantic relationship.

Then again, this could be something that prevents them from having close friendships too. If this is something that affects both of these areas of their life, they are likely to have a very lonely existence.

On The Outside

They are then going to be an interdependent human being but, they will act like an independent human being. If they didn’t need others, how they are behaving wouldn’t be a problem.

However, as they will want to experience closeness, they are not going to be choosing to keep others at a distance. Ultimately, this is likely to be seen as something that is out of their control.

Inner Conflict

Although there is only one of them, then, part of them will want to deeply connect to others and another, stronger part of them won’t feel comfortable doing so. Due to this, it could be as if someone or something else is in control of them.

Irrespective of if they are at the beginning of their life or further along their own path, they could be well and truly fed up with what is going on. They might wonder if their life will ever change or if it will always be the same.

Another Part

Yet, along with the pain that they will experience through being deprived of human contact and experiencing life in this way, there can also be the pain that they experience through criticising themselves. For example, they could often say to themselves that they lack courage, are fearful and need to stop being scared.

What can play a part in this is that, over the years, they may have been told that they just need to ‘get over this fear’ and to go for it as their life is passing them by. Furthermore, they could have people in their life who say such things now.

A heavyweight

So, what they are going through by being deprived is going to be made worse by the fact that they can feel like a failure and as though they are just acting fearful for no reason. Unlike those who have fears and just face them, then, they can see themselves as being weak and even having something inherently wrong with them.

Naturally, they will be going through enough, without them laying into themselves. Also, they are going to need to have people in their life that support them, not make their life even worse.

A Closer Look

If they were to imagine getting physically and emotionally close to another person, so sharing their inner world with them, this can be a time when they will be filled with anxiety. Additionally, they can experience panic and have the need to run away, or they could end up shutting down and lose the ability to feel anything.

At this point, it will be clear that getting close to another person is not seen as something that is beneficial to a big part of them and is actually seen as something that is a threat to their very survival. Taking this into account, it is to be expected that they will have avoided intimacy for however long and will continue to do so.

The Wrong Approach
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Thanks to what takes place when they do attempt to experience intimacy, it is not just going to be a case of them simply facing their fear and doing it anyway. All this will do is cause them to end up being overwhelmed and perhaps to soon shut down.

Therefore, even if they do face their fear, if they don’t end up having the need to flee and shut down, they won’t be able to truly connect with another as they won’t be aware of how they feel. What this emphasises is that facing the fear and doing it anyway is not always the answer.

Stepping Back

If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were deeply wounded by one or both of their parents and/or others.
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And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. What these experiences would have also done is stop them from developing a felt sense of safety, security and the ability to trust others.

One Option

To handle what was going on; they would have automatically disconnected from themselves and gone into a shut down, frozen and collapsed state. Leaving their environment wouldn’t have been an option, so they had to leave themselves.

What took place would have also been personalised as they were egocentric, with this causing them to develop a felt sense of being worthless and unlovable. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but most if not all of the pain and arousal that they experienced all those years ago will still be held inside them.

A Natural Outcome

Considering how brutal their early years will have been, it is not a surprise that they have the need to keep people at bay. Not everyone will be like the person or people who harmed them, but their underdeveloped brain would have generalised the experience in order to protect them, in addition to the pain and arousal that they experienced.

They will have been through a lot and they will deserve their own love and kindness. Regardless of what their inner voice or anyone else says for that matter, they are not weak, there is nothing inherently wrong with them and they don’t lack courage.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk