While it is relatively easy for someone to share their body with another person, the same can’t be said about their heart. This means that although the need is there for someone to share how they feel with another person, it is not something that always feels comfortable.
However, just because someone doesn’t feel comfortable with this need, it doesn’t mean that it will just disappear. It will always be there and all the time it is not being met, it is going to have an impact on one’s life.
That doesn’t mean that one will be aware of this need, as they can end up being disconnected from it. In this case, one might not know why they feel as though something is missing.
When one is out of touch with their feelings or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing them, they could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Yet, although one might believe they are being intimate with another, this is nothing more than an illusion.
On one hand, they are close to another person and this means that they can feel connected to them. But on the other, the only thing that they are sharing with the other person is their body and this means they can still feel disconnected.
The Only Option
When one feels as though they are close to the other person, it can cause them to feel as though they are being intimate. If one believes this is the only option they have when it comes to feeling close to another person, they might believe it is better than nothing.
And if one doesn’t see this as the only option they have, it could be because they believe that being intimate is the same as having sex. Based on this outlook, intimacy is something that takes place through having sex.
There are then going to be others who see intimacy as something that takes place when they share who they are with another person. Now, this might mean that one shares their body with another person, but at the same time, it might not.
This is because one can be intimate with their friends and family. What is taking place during these moments is that one is sharing how they feel and what is taking place in their reality.
Here, one’s clothes are being left on, but that doesn’t mean that one will end up feeling disconnected. One is sharing what is taking place within them and the other person is allowing this to take place.
This will allow one to feel connected to the other person and as though they are being seen for who they are. So unlike the experience that one has when they have sex to experience intimacy, this is not an illusion, it is the real deal.
Experiencing intimacy is going to be normal for some people and for others; it will be something that they experience on the odd occasion or this might not happen either. This is naturally going to have a negative impact on their life and they could come to the conclusion that other people are inherently different.
And if they do come to this conclusion, they could soon feel like a victim. Yet, just because other people are experiencing life differently, it doesn’t mean that one is missing something. As although one could believe that something ‘out there’ is stopping them from experiencing intimacy, it could be due to what is taking place within them.
In order for one to be able to open up to another, it will be important for them to feel that it is safe for them to do so. If they don’t feel safe, it won’t be possible for them to open their heart.
There is then how one feels in their body and how they feel in their heart. These two areas have a different function, but they work together. The body is like an older brother who has to look after his younger sister.
This means the older brother is not focused on what is taking place within him; he is purely focused on doing everything he can to make sure it is safe for his younger sister to express herself freely. If the older brother doesn’t feel safe, it will stop his younger sister from being able to be herself.
Once her brother feels safe, it will allow his sister to express herself. Just as if his sister is unable to express herself, her brother will not be able to relax. This is because although it is a two-way relationship, the brother (the body) is in control.
When one experiences some kind of loss, it will cause them to experience grief. This will be something that they feel in heart and there will also be other feelings in their body.
And as long as one feels safe, it will be possible for them to gradually grieve the loss. But this is not always possible and this can mean that one will end up disconnecting from their pain. Their heart will then begin to close and not only will this keep their pain at bay, it will also keep other people at bay.
It is then like one having a phone and taking the battery out; it is then not possible for them to contact others or for others to contact them. In this instance, one knows why this is happening and they can soon put the battery back in.
Yet, when it comes to experiencing intimacy, they might not know why they are not experiencing it. If one was to let another person get close to them, it would trigger all of the pain that has stayed within them from a loss or number of losses.
At an intellectual level one might wonder why they are not experiencing intimacy, but if they were to bring their attention into their body, they might soon find out. Or if they were to get close to another, the pain within them could be triggered and this could push them away or they could push the other person away.
One might relate how they feel to a loss that they were unable to grieve in their adulthood. However, it could go back even further and relate to what happened during their childhood. In this case, one might be aware of how they feel in their body, but their mind might find it hard to comprehend why they feel as they do.
It is not important if one knows why they feel as they do, what matters is that one is able to grieve and to open their heart once more. As this process takes place, one might start to understand why they feel as they do.
There is also no set time for this; as it is not a linear process. Yet, as time passes, one will gradually start to feel that it is safe to let others in. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.