Just because one has the need to experience something, it doesn’t always mean that this need will be fulfilled. And this is something that can be said when it comes to ones need to connect to another person.
For some people, intimacy is going to be something that they have always experienced. It is then something they have got used to and it is a normal part of their life. But for others, it is going to be something they’re not used to and therefore, it is not a normal part of their life.
An Important Need
When one experiences intimacy, their life is going to be enhanced in more ways than one. And while one may see how it is affecting their life, there is also the chance that one no longer thinks about it. This doesn’t mean that they have taken it for granted; it is simply something that has become part of their life
If one has received something for a certain period of time, it can be hard to imagine what it would be like to be in a position when one doesn’t have it. However, there is a strong chance that one has had a relationship that came to an end, and this would have given them the chance to experience life without intimacy and also, to develop a greater appreciation for it.
So if one has experienced intimacy and gone without it, it will give them a sense of contrast. But if one has only experienced intimacy or if they have never experienced intimacy, this is not going to be the case.
When one hasn’t experienced intimacy, they might not even know what they are missing. Whereas when one has experienced it, they will know what they are missing when they’re not experiencing it.
There is going to be the pain that one feels when a relationship comes to an end, and then there is going to be the pain that they experience when they are unable to experience intimacy.
In the first case, ones pain might soon come to an end and they might start a new relationship; therefore, their pain won’t last for very long. If on the other hand one is unable to start a new relationship, their pain might continue. That is unless they deal with their pain directly.
What Can Happen
Although their need to experience intimacy is being frustrated, it doesn’t mean that they will always go without human contact. They might have had a number of short term relationships or interactions that only got to a certain point.
Or perhaps this hasn’t taken place either and one has just had casual encounters. This might be something one is comfortable with or they may want more than this. It can depend on what is going on for them and how aware they are of what is taking place within them.
When one is not experiencing intimacy in their life, they might be aware of why this is and put it down to what is taking place within them. There is also the chance that one is unaware of what is taking place within them and this means that they will put it down to what is taking place externally.
If one is aware of what is taking place within, it will give them an understanding of why they are not experiencing intimacy and this will give them the chance to do something about it. But if one is unaware of what is taking place on the inside and is focused on what is taking place on the outside, their life is unlikely to change.
Confused Or Stuck
Just because one is aware of the fact that they are uncomfortable with intimacy, it doesn’t mean that they will know why this is. And this is understandable; as intimacy is a vital part of life and something that human beings needs.
If one is disconnected from what is taking place within them and is only aware of what is taking place in the outside world, they are unlikely to feel as though they have any control over what is happening.
So although one is going to want to experience intimacy, there is going to be another part of them that doesn’t. One is then experiencing inner conflict and this could be something they have experienced for as long as they can remember.
Perhaps ones relationships as an adult have played a part in why they fear intimacy, but these experiences could be an effect of what took place many years ago. If one fears intimacy as an adult, it is highly likely that this due to what happened to them during their childhood years.
The Body Remembers
Even though the body remembers what took place all those years ago, the mind can forget. Facing how one feels in their body can be painful and so, one can disconnect from their body to avoid pain.
And just because one has disconnected from this pain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t affect their life. Ones relationships will be defined by this pain and as one is out of touch with it, they can end up getting caught up by the stories that the mind will create. These stories will relate to why one is not experiencing intimacy.
As a child, it would have been important for ones caregiver to attune to their needs. This doesn’t mean that this needed to happen on every occasion, but that it needed to happen on a consistent basis. When ones caregiver was not aware of their needs, it would have meant that they were ignored and denied.
If this were to happen on the odd occasion it might not cause too much harm, but if this were to happen on a regular basis there are going to be consequences. One could end up feeling smothered, overwhelmed and trapped by their caregiver’s inability to tune into their needs. They could even have been abandoned or physically abused during these years.
These experiences would have causes one to believe that it isn’t safe for them to get too close to another person. And how they felt during these times of being violated would have stayed trapped in their body.
So whenever they get close to other people, these feelings are going to be triggered. One is then going to pull away in order to stop themselves from having to feel how they did all those years ago.
And although these feelings are being triggered around others, they are not the cause of them. As one feels this way it could cause them to attract people who are smothering and lack boundaries like their caregivers did, but they might not be completely different and one might just be projecting their history onto the others.
It will be important for one to get in touch with the emotions that have remained within them and to release them. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.