Even though one can have the need to experience intimacy, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to fulfil this need. As a result of this, this area of their life is not going to be the same as it will be for others.
This is not to say that they will be the only ones on the planet who experience life in this way; what it means is that it will be different to how it will be for the people who do experience intimacy. There is the chance that this is how their life has always been, and it could then be seen as how their life will always be.
One is then going to have to simply put up with what is taking place, and this is naturally going to cause them to experience a lot of pain. If they were to look back on their life, it could make it even harder for them to handle what is taking place.
This could be a time when they will think about how long they have experienced life in this way for. One could also think about how different their life would be if this wasn’t the case, and how it would be far more fulfilling.
What could come to mind during this time are people they know who do experience intimacy, and they might wonder why they can’t fulfil this need. It could be as if these people have something they don’t have.
This could cause them to think about their appearance, and how they are not as appealing as these people. Or, one could also be physically attractive, and this might then not cross their mind.
It could then be put down to something that can’t be seen, and these people could be seen as being luckier than they are. Thus, if one’s luck was to change, they might be able to change their circumstances.
The Same Story
At the same time, one could find that there are people around them who experience life in the same way. Spending time with them could be something that will bring them comfort, and this is because they won’t need to feel uncomfortable around them.
These people won’t remind them of what they are unable to experience, but what they will do is remind them of how they experience life. There could then be times when they feel comfortable around them, and times when they just want to get away from them.
When it comes to what their friends say to them, in regard to how they experience life, it is typically going to depend on how they experience life. If they were to spend time with someone who does experience intimacy, they could tell them that they just need to stay positive, and that their luck will soon change.
Or, they could end up giving them advice, and this could mean that they will say that they are not confident enough. In this case, the only way that one’s life will change is if they become more confident.
The Same Position
If they were to spend time with someone who is unable to experience intimacy, they could tell them that they need to wait until the right person comes into their life. There is then going to be no reason for them to do anything, they will just need to bide their time.
Alternatively, they could see themselves as a victim, and they could say that one just needs to accept how their life is. Through spending time with someone like this, one could then feel as though they are on the right track, or they could feel helpless.
If one was told that they needed to work on their confidence, they could end up developing self-esteem. Through taking this approach, they may find that it finally allows them to attract someone into their life.
Yet, one could try this approach and find that their life doesn’t really change. They might find it easier to attract people, but they could find that nothing really happens, or they might only get so far.
A Different Problem
However, if one already has a good level of confidence, there is going to be no reason for them to work on their self-esteem. One could have had a number of experiences where they only got so far with someone, and they may find that they have attracted people who are unavailable.
One could then feel as though there is something stopping them from getting close to another person. The next thing they could do is to get in touch with what is taking place in their body.
If one was to do this and to focus on this area of their life, they might feel angry, frustrated and powerless, among other things. But, if they were to imagine what it would be like to get close to under person, they might end up having a different emotional experience.
Getting close to someone could cause them to feel mothered, trapped and as though they are losing themselves. What this can show is that the reason they can’t experience intimacy is because it is seen as something that will put their very survival at risk.
What Is Going on?
At an intellectual level, it could be hard for one to understand why they feel this way; especially as the desire the experience intimacy is perfectly normal. Nevertheless, how they feel can reflect what took place during their early years.
This may have been a time when they were brought up by someone who lacked boundaries. At this stage in their life, they may have been abused in some way, and this would have stopped them from wanting to get too close to others.
Or, if something like this didn’t take place, they may have had a caregiver who got too close to them. During this time, they may have been used by their caregiver to fulfil their emotional needs.
The energy that should have been directed towards another adult was then directed towards them. This is not the same as experiencing sexual abuse, but it would have caused one to feel as though something wasn’t right.
And, though being seen as an object to fulfil their caregivers emotional needs, it would have caused them to be violated. This would have been a time when they felt smothered, trapped and as though they were losing themselves.
One would have been completely dependent and so there wouldn’t have been anything they could do about what was taking place. What took place will then have been forgotten about and one ends up wondering why this area of their life is so difficult.
If one can relate to this, and they want to move forward, they may need to work with a therapist. There will be feelings to embrace, beliefs to question and they will need to develop boundaries.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.