Loss: Can Early Deprivation Make It Harder For Someone To Handle Loss?

After someone has experienced a breakup, lost a loved one, or had a pet pass on, for instance, they could end up embracing how they feel and allowing themselves to grieve. This is then likely to be a time when they won’t behave as they usually would.

So, they might no longer have the desire to do certain things and might prefer to spend more time by themselves. Their life will have been one way and now it will be another way, with it never being the same again.

A Stage

This is not to say that they will be this way forever but, this will be an important phase for them to go through. By surrendering to what is going on for them as opposed to resisting it, they will be able to gradually embrace life once again.

What is likely to help them, during this time, is for them to write, cry and share their inner experience with trusted others. Therefore, as it important it will be for them to spend time by themselves, they are also going to need external support.

Not an Island

Yet, as they are an interdependent human being, not an independent human being, this is to be expected. Ultimately, needing others is not a sign of weakness; it is simply part of the human experience.

As for how long it takes for them to find their feet again, it can depend on a number of different factors. How mentally and emotionally together they were before, how much repressed pain they were carrying before, how sensitive they are and how much support they have will all play a part.

A Time of Patience

It could be a number of months or even years before they are ready to experience a new normal. What can make it harder for them to embrace this process is if there are people in their life that are human doings, not human beings.

For someone like this that is more or less constantly on the go, there will be no time to engage in this process. In their eyes, life could be too short to step off the track and not carry on as normal.

The Norm

This view will be a natural consequence of living in a society that is largely stuck in doing mode. In this society, the average person’s sympathetic nervous system will spend a lot of time in an activated state.

In other words, they will spend a lot of time in flight mode. As opposed to running from an external threat, however, they are likely to be running from an internal threat that they are not consciously aware of but are still reacting to.

Another Experience

Now, although this can be seen as a healthy approach, there are others that won’t go down this path. As a result of this, they will experience a loss and end up carrying on as normal.

Based on how they behave after this has taken place, it can be as if what has taken place hasn’t had an impact on them. Due to this, some of the people in their life could comment on how strong and resilient they are.

Positive Feedback

In a society that typically values the masculine element more than the feminine element, it is to be expected that not showing emotions will be seen as a sign of strength. Expressing emotions, and thus, crying after a loss, then, will be seen as a sign of weakness.

The trouble is that while they might be able to act strong in the short term, it might not be long until the pain that they have avoided makes itself known. As the days, weeks and months pass, they could have less energy and drive, with it being a challenge for them to behave in the same way.

Rock Bottom

If this was to take place, they could wonder what is going on. After a while, they could have the need to see their doctor, and this could be a time when they will be diagnosed as being depressed.

If they feel flat and it is hard for them to function, they will certainly fit the diagnoses but taking medication, for instance, won’t get to the root of what is going on. Quite simply, they will have avoided facing the pain they were in and now this pain will be knocking at their door, calling for their attention.

A Closer Look

The pain that they were in would have been removed from their conscious mind but it won’t have been removed from their consciousness. For so long, their defences would have allowed them to keep this pain at bay but now it will be breaking through.

As to why they didn’t allow themselves to face how they felt after a loss, it can be a sign that they were already carrying a lot of loss. Thanks to this, if they had faced how they felt, they would have been overwhelmed with pain.

Back In Time

This doesn’t mean that this was something that they were consciously aware of as they are unlikely to have chosen to respond in this way. Most likely, it would have been something that happened automatically.

If they are carrying a lot of loss and pain, it could illustrate that their early years were also full of loss. Perhaps they were brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them.

One Option

Not having a number of their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all would have deeply wounded them. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to repress the pain they were in and their development needs.

The years would then have passed but how they felt would have stayed locked inside them. Naturally, as they will carry so much pain from their childhood and their adult life, they will have done and will do their best to stop themselves from drawing in it.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk