Loss: Why Can Loss Hurt So Much?

This is something that can affect someone in many ways and as a result of many things. Some losses can simply be ignored and forgotten about and then there are others can are harder to forget.

One can also lose something and never forget the loss; regardless of how much times goes by or what else happens in their life. What will often define the impact that a loss has is how emotionally attached one was.

To lose a loved one can often be one of the most challenging losses that one can have. And yet, as people we can become attached to almost anything. So this means that loss is a subjective experience and part of life.

One loss cannot be compared to another loss and neither should it be. If one has experienced a loss and feels a certain way then it has to be acknowledged. It shouldn’t be a question of: if it is an appropriate reaction or in how it compares with what others are going through or have gone through.

And with loss comes grief and this is something that can’t be forced or rushed; it is a process that has to be allowed to take place and for however long it will take.

Examples

Above I mentioned how the loss of a loved one is one of the most painful losses that one can experience. And what can also be painful is the loss that one experiences when: a pet dies, a relationship ends and a job finishes and many others.

There are also losses that have very little impact; one may lose a piece of clothing or even their car keys. These may seem insignificant and even irrelevant

And one of the reasons that these losses don’t always register is due to one not being emotionally attached to these things. The first examples are often what one can become extremely attached to.

Loss

It is often said that loss has more or an impact than a gain does. So as good as gaining something may be, human beings would rather avoid a loss than experience a gain.

One reason for this is that when humans were living in caves and killing animals with spears, it was important that they had enough food. To have more was not important; as long as they had enough. And so to lose what they had, would likely have lead to starvation and resulted in death.

The Ego Mind

However, regardless of if the above is true or not, the way the ego mind functions, explains a lot. The egos main priority is to keep things the same and what is familiar is classed as what is safe to the mind.

So this means that all change is therefore interpreted as death to the mind.  And as this is the case, when something comes to an end it will then lead to one having an experience of death. Death is then not something that one experiences once in their life, but many times throughout their life.

Change

And as the ego mind works this way, it means that loss is part of life and cannot be avoided. The reason is that change can’t be avoided. It becomes more of a challenge due to the ego minds interpretation that loss means death.

And while some losses will lead to intense grief, other losses will lead to minimal grief. For losses that really impact one’s life it could last for many years and even a lifetime. And for minimal losses, that may not even be noticed, it may be able to be processed in a matter of moments and without one being consciously aware of it.

Attachment

As human beings, we become attached to things and this attachment can lead to pleasure and pain. And when it comes to a relationship for example, some kind of attachment is inevitable.

One can know that the more they get attached to something, the greater the loss can be. And yet due to the benefits, it is often a risk worth taking in life.  What can lead to a greater sense of loss when something comes to an end is when unprocessed losses from the past are triggered.

The current loss will then be added to a history of unprocessed losses. This may well become overwhelming and hard to handle.

The Past

Just because one has experienced a loss and therefore needs to grieve; it doesn’t mean that this will always take place. This will depend on many factors and one of the biggest things will be if one feels safe enough to do so.

This could be the losses that one has experienced as an adult and the losses that one experienced as a child. One might remember the adult losses, but have forgotten about the losses of their childhood.

Awareness

No matter where these losses have come from or how strong they are; it is important that one allows themselves to grieve them. Although one won’t necessarily be able to forget what happened, it doesn’t mean that one has to carry the pain around with them forever.

Appropriate assistance can come from a: therapist, healer, coach, support group or a trusted friend. 

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/