Love: Can Child Abuse Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Need For Love?

Although someone is likely to be born with the need to both receive and give love, it doesn’t mean that they will be in touch with these needs now that they are an adult. In fact, they could be unaware of both of these needs.

However, even if they are not aware of these needs, a lot of what they do can be a way for them to fulfil one if not both of these needs. What this will show is that even if they are outside of their conscious awareness, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have an impact on their life.

An Indirect Approach

For example, they could be someone who is very driven and, if they were to think about why they are this way, it could be put down to them having a strong need to be successful. They could believe that this is what life is all about and they could receive a fair amount of positive feedback from others for being this way.

Therefore, what is really driving their behaviour won’t be something that if even considered, let alone acknowledged. Still, there is the chance that they often experience a fair amount of frustration.

Let Down

So, while they are working on something, deep down, they could believe that this will allow them to finally receive the love that they need. At a conscious level, they could imagine people giving them attention and smiling, for instance.

But, once they have achieved something, they might receive a fair amount of attention or they might not, but regardless of what happens, they could feel down and fed up. Without looking into what is going on, they could soon direct their focus to the next goal.

Another Area

When it comes to their relationships, they might have a number of friends but they might not be overly close to them. Thus, when they are around them, they could typically share what they have been doing and what they plan to do.

As for being in an intimate relationship, they might not have ever been in one or even have a strong need to be in one. If this is the case, it could mean that they have only dated or had casual encounters.

Missing the Mark

Naturally, merely having a casual encounter is not going to allow them to fulfil their need to receive and give love. Yet, with these needs outside of their conscious awareness, they are not going to be aware of this.


Instead, sharing their body with another can give them an instant hit of pseudo ‘love’ and provide them with a way to release tension but it won’t do much else. Having an experience like this can cause them to feel better, then, if only for a short while and then it can cause them to feel worse than they did before.

Life in the Fast Lane

Nonetheless, if they are very driven and don’t allow themselves to sit still for any length of time, they are unlikely to allow themselves to be with how they feel. By focusing on and doing what they can to achieve their goals, these feelings are likely to soon disappear from their conscious awareness.

They could continue to live in this way for many, many years until they get to the point where they no longer have the energy to do so. As opposed to living a fulfilling life, they will see that living in this way is deeply frustrating and is not allowing them to truly fulfil their needs.

Reconnecting

This could be a time when they will see that they have been trying to meet their need for love indirectly and that their need to give love has largely been covered up. At this point, they could wonder why they have been this way for so long.

Even so, if they were to think about receiving love from and giving love to another, this could be a time when they will feel uncomfortable. They could be filled with fear and anxiety and feel the need to move and/or lose touch with what is going on inside them.

A Closer Look

What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. During this stage of their life, they may have often been physically harmed and neglected.

Being treated in this way would have greatly traumatised them and caused them to disconnect from their body. Without receiving the right nutrients, they wouldn’t have been able to develop a felt sense of safety, security, worth and love.

A Natural outcome

As a result of this, they would have lost touch with their needs and feelings, so their true self. Being estranged from their essence would then have meant that they would have lost touch with their need to receive and give love.

Quite simply, as they were brought up in a dysfunctional environment, it wasn’t safe enough for them to be emotionally expressive and open. Becoming unfeeling and closed would have automatically taken place to ensure their survival.

A New Model

Thanks to the experiences that they had very early on, they would have developed a very inaccurate view of love. To them, love will be seen as something that is harmful and painful.

In reality, how they were treated was not a reflection of love; it was a reflection of how one or two people behave when they are deeply wounded. Most likely, one or both of their parents had a very similar experience throughout their early years and, for whatever reason, didn’t deal with their own wounds.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk