Love: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Believe That They Need To Earn Love?

During someone’s developmental years, they needed love to grow and develop and, as an adult, they also need love in order to be at their best. However, although they will need love as an adult, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this need.  

But, even if they are not aware of this need, it is still likely to have a big impact on their life. From behind the scenes, it can drive them to do and achieve things, in the hope that they will be loved.

The Meaning

When it comes to what will take place when they are loved, this will include them receiving acceptance, approval and attention and human touch, among other things. So, once they are loved, they will have people in their life who are there for them and they could be in an intimate relationship.

They will also feel as though they are enough and are valued for who they are, not purely for what they do. In general, though, they could feel as if something is missing and it might not matter what they do.

Avoidance

Then again, they might typically be unaware of how they feel, due to how much time they spend doing things. Being this way is likely to mean that they seldom take the time to just be.

Once they have achieved one thing, then, they could soon be focusing on something else to achieve. There is the chance that their whole life will revolve around them ‘improving’ themselves.

Falling Down

Every now and then, they could feel deeply discouraged and lose their motivation to achieve anything. They may have believed that something, in particular, would take place after they had achieved something.

But, what they expected won’t have taken place, leaving them feeling frustrated, angry and helpless. Over the years, this may have been something that has occurred on numerous occasions.

Business as Usual

Yet, before long, they might go back to behaving in the same way, partly hoping that this time it will be different.  When it comes to their relationships, they might not have any close friends or be in an intimate relationship.

If they were able to articulate what they hope to achieve through achieving things, they could say that they hope to finally have people in their life who love them. This will show that their need for success is really a means to an end.  

One Scenario

Now, if they were to end with close friends and in a relationship with someone who did love them, it is unlikely that they would be able to experience this for very long. As while part of them will feel comfortable with what is going on, another, stronger part of them is likely to feel uncomfortable.

Consequently, they could end up unconsciously doing things that will cause them to both push away these people and the person they are with. If this was to happen, what is going on externally could end up being seen as the reason why these two areas of their life have gradually disintegrated.

What going on?

If this was to take place and even if it doesn’t, they could end up stepping back and wondering why their life is this way. What could cross their mind is why their need for love has been outside of their awareness for so long, why it’s so hard for them to receive love from others and why they have to work so hard for love.

Moreover, if they have the tendency to push away the love that does enter their life, they could wonder why they do this. To understand why their life is this way, it will be a good idea for them to take a closer look at what took place during their early years.

Way Back

During this stage of their life, they may have largely been deprived of the emotional nutrients that they ended. This may show that they were often neglected and perhaps physically harmed.

To handle the pain that they experienced, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut down and disconnected state. This would have caused them to lose touch with their need to be loved and as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place.

The Outcome

Thanks to this, they are likely to believe that they are unworthy, unlovable and are not enough. Without a felt sense of being worthy, lovable and enough, they won’t have developed the being side of their nature; they will only have developed the doing side.

Also, as they were brought up in a cold and loveless environment, simply being and receiving is unlikely to be seen as a threat to their survival. This is why, in addition to not having a felt sense of worth, love and being enough, they will push love away as they won’t feel safe enough to receive love due to the negative associations that were formed all those years ago.

A Big Effort

As for why they have to work so hard for love, throughout this stage of their life, they probably would have had to struggle to receive their parent or parent’s attention, acceptance and approval and it might have been extremely conditional. This then wouldn’t have been something that was freely given to them; it was something that they had to work hard for, and even then they might not have received it.

Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child who needed love to grow in the right way but the pain, and the unmet developmental needs that go with it, will still be held inside their brain and body. This pain will need to be faced and worked through and this is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk