Even though just about everything that someone does can be a way for them to try to be loved, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. Instead, they can just see themselves as someone who is highly motivated and wants to be successful.
Being this way can mean that will spend a lot of time in doing mode and very little time in being mode. Therefore, they are generally going to be on the go and will rarely if ever take the time to relax.
If they do take a break and end up going on holiday, for instance, this could be a time when they fill their time with different activities. If they don’t do this, and even if they were to just take a break without going away, they could soon experience tension.
Along with this, they could think about all the things that they haven’t done and should be doing. Thanks to this they could soon find something to do and experience a sense of relief as a result.
When it comes to how they see life, they could believe that life is too short to sit around or something similar. If they were to take their foot off the gas then, so to speak, they would be wasting their life and stopping themselves from moving forward.
Most likely, they will be surrounded by people who have the same philosophy and live in the same way. But, even if they are not surrounded by those who are like this, they are likely to live in a society that supports this way of living.
By being so driven and spending most of their time taking action, it may mean that they have been able to make a lot of progress in a number of areas of their life. They might have a well-paid job and this might be a job that has elevated them to a certain position in society.
Moreover, they could have a big house, an expensive car and a glamorous partner. Irrespective of if they are in this position, they could be used to receiving approval from others.
Now, while they could be used to receiving positive feedback from others, they could still have moments when they don’t receive approval or the amount of approval that they expect to receive. Due to this, they could often feel deeply frustrated and even end up in a very low inner state.
Yet, before long, they could end up going back into ‘doing’ mode and hope, unconsciously, if not consciously, that they will soon receive a different response. Being on the go is then going to be a way for them to push their inner discomfort out of their conscious awareness.
The frustration that they experience when they are not provided with the approval or the amount of approval that they desire could also be backed up by the frustration that they experience when it comes to their relationships. This could be an area of their life that is not very fulfilling.
For example, they could be with someone who is emotionally available and unable to truly be there for them. This might not be the first time they have been with someone like this either.
If they are with someone like this, they might have put in a lot of effort over the days, weeks and perhaps years that they have been with them. Yet, no matter what they have done, it won’t have had much of an impact.
After a while, they could get to the point where they are exhausted and unable to live in this way any longer. Consequently, they could start to wonder why their life is this way and why they find it so hard to relax.
A Closer Look
If they have been in doing mode for as long as they can remember, it can show that their early years were a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. During this time, they might have had at least one parent who was unable to truly see them and acknowledge their existence.
Thanks to this, they would have been denied the eye contact, touch and presence, among other things, that they needed. This would have deeply wounded them but their need to be loved wouldn’t have disappeared.
Their need to be loved, along with the pain that they experienced by not having their needs met, would have ended up being repressed. The outcome of this is that although they won’t have been aware of their need to be loved, it would have given them a strong drive.
In other words, their need to be loved will have morphed into a need to be ‘successful’ and approved of by others. Deep down, they will see other people as their parents and struggle to receive the love that they missed out on.
As this stage of their life is over, it won’t be possible for them to receive the love that they missed out on all those years ago. With this in mind, the approval that they receive from others won’t ever make up for what they missed out on from their parents; the only thing it will typically do is allow them to avoid how they feel.
For them to draw the line and no longer look for what can’t be provided, they will most likely need to face and work through their pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that are held inside them. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.